Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang “Happy Birthday.”
- Stephen Wright
Old Age is not so bad when you consider the alternative.
- Maurice Chevalier
Today’s my birthday. Yeah, I know…YIPPEE!! Happy Birthday to me!! Pardon me if my excitement isn’t what it was when I was 12, but at this point in my life, a birthday really is more or less just a number. I’m most of us, though, in that a birthday provides cause for reflection, the obligatory look back at what has been, what might have been, opportunities squandered, and experiences had. My particular number happens to be 51, and there was a time I might have been reluctant to disclose that I’m “old”. The thing I’ve discovered as I’ve gotten “older”, though, is that, as Lincoln once said, “[I]t’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.” Or, as Groucho Marx once said, “You’re only as old as the woman you feel.” By that theory, I’m only 49, so I figure I’m in pretty good shape. Thank God for younger women, eh?
The last year or so has been a difficult period in many respects, but I’ve been trying to focus on the positive aspects of it all…and there have been plenty. Even with the difficulties I’ve faced, I come face to face every day with the reality that I’m a very fortunate person. Things could be SO much worse, and I don’t have to look around much to see that. I’m grateful for the things I have and where I am. While I still wonder what the future holds, I’m trying to live in the moment as much as I possibly can…because that’s the only thing I really, truly control. It may be a cliche, but yesterday’s gone and tomorrow may never arrive. All you really have is right now, which is where I find myself trying to carve out a niche.
I’ve spent most of the past year trying to become a better person. Yeah, I realize that probably sounds a bit melodramatic and inexact…and I suppose it is. I’ve had to come to grips with the reality that I really didn’t know who I am, and that I was one of the least self-aware people I’ve ever known. Most of it is the legacy of a childhood spent protecting myself from always feeling different and on the outside…but never really understanding why. Once I was diagnosed with ADD a couple of years ago, I began to peel back the curtain a little bit at a time as I finally began to see the real me. It hasn’t always been pretty, and it certainly hasn’t been easy, but as I continue down this path I’m learning things about myself that most people have long since taken for granted. I’m also learning that I’ve spent enough time being a victim of my past. I can’t change any of that, but I can work on becoming a more emotionally healthy and secure person in the present. I can also devote my energy to looking forward instead of using the past as a crutch.
As I learn more about myself, and as I become more honest with myself, I’m having to come to grips with some pretty ugly things. There’s much I wish I could change, a lot of bridges burned that I wish I could somehow reconstruct. The past being what it is, of course, that’s not possible, but I’ve had to recognize and admit that I’ve left a lot of collateral damage in my wake. That probably doesn’t make me any different from a lot of folks, of course, but the reality that I was too oblivious and self-absorbed to recognize this is what really hurts. I am where I am and who I am because of the choices I’ve made, not because of what others have done to me. Now comes the fun part; learning how to be accountable for and to myself.
I’m fortunate to have someone in my life who has helped/forced me to face some hard truths about myself. It’s been hard for her, and sometimes I imagine that it probably really does seem like too much. Somehow, and for some reason, she’s stuck with me. If that isn’t love, then I’m not sure what is. She’s been a friend, a confidante, and a mirror…but now it’s time for me to begin relying on myself and my own strength and resources. I’ve placed a lot on her shoulders, and now it’s time for me to assume that burden for myself and allow her to go back to being “just” a companion…which is the way it should have been from the start.
No, I’m not much different from a lot of other folks. We all struggle with things, some more significant, debilitating, and/or formidable than others. It just seems worse to me because I’m trapped in my head-not always the greatest place to be. While I could bemoan that’s it’s taken me so many years to figure some things out, I suppose I’m better off being grateful that at least I’m doing it now instead of not at all. Things could be a whole lot worse, no?
So, happy birthday to me, for today, like every day is one worth celebrating. I hope that your today will be one that leaves you with a smile on your face. Thank your for sharing the experience with me.
And so the journey continues. Eventually, perhaps I’ll even manage to get it right…. ;-)
