May 18, 2011 7:54 AM

Governor Goodhair for President? Oh, pleasepleasepleaseplease....

There’s a wonderful tendency among Right-wing Texas politicians to think that what (they think) works in Texas will ipso facto be successful in the outside world. This tendency, while often deadly to the national politics prospects of Texas Republicans, often proves to be a comedy gold mine. Seldom is this reality more true than with current Texas Governor Rick Perry. Notable really only for being in the right place at the right time (stepping into the Governor’s Mansion when George W. Bush became President), few in Texas can come up with anything that Perry has actually accomplished. Oh, there’s the $28 billion budget deficit (how’s that “Texas Miracle” workin’ out fer ya, pardner??). Sure, Texas women now have to endure all manner of obstacles to have a legal (as in guaranteed by Roe v. Wade) abortion. Texans can carry concealed weapons on college campuses. And Texas textbooks are now indoctrination tools for ensuring that schoolchildren grow up to be reliably pliable and obedient Conservative Christians. I’m not certain that I’d call any of those things “accomplishments”…but what do I know? I only lived in Texas for 3,772 days (not that I was counting)…AND I’m a Liberal, which by definition makes my opinion null and void in the Lone Star State. The truth is that most Texans would vote for a ham sandwich if it had an “R” behind its name on the ballot. Nonetheless, there are some Conservatives out there who’ve convinced themselves that Governor Goodhair is uniquely qualified to be President. I, for one, am rendered something almost resembling speechless…but one person’s Sarah Palin is another’s Winston Churchill, no?

The beautiful thing about a Governor Goodhair candidacy is the avalanche of Texas imagery that we’ll be subjected to. Boy howdy, y’all; get ready for images of cowboys in ten-gallon hats, longhorn steers, women with big hair, and file shots of Southfork Ranch. Since Rick Perry has no real record to run on (which, after 10+ years in office, is a story in and of itself), he’s going to have to rely on smoke and mirrors…and who doesn’t love longhorns, right??

Rick Perry will be fine as long as no one asks, “What Would Willie Do?”

The ultimate irony in this scenario is the idea of a candidate who about a year ago was beating the drums for the idea of Texas seceding from the Union. Rick Perry is a man who couldn’t pass on any opportunity to condemn the long, meddling arm of the federal government…until the state suffered from devastating wildfires. Then he demanded federal assistance yesterday…and condemned the feds when help didn’t arrive in the time frame and manner he felt appropriate to the Great State of Texas.

Perhaps I’ve misunderestimated Governor Goodhair, though. Perhaps he’s a more nimble politician than I’d given him credit for. In an election cycle when slavish adherence to Right-wing talking points is key, Rick Perry has proven that, if nothing else, he knows how to stick to a script. Just don’t expect any new and/or original policy ideas. Hey, if he hasn’t done anything new and original in 10+ years in the Governor’s Mansion in Austin, you can’t reasonably expect any different in the White House.

I’m not certain that the putative Perry for President campaign brain trust will be turning to me for campaign advice, but I do have a possible campaign slogan for them. All I ask is attribution if they decide to run with it:

RICK PERRY 2012: DOING NOTHING WORKED IN TEXAS…IT CAN WORK IN WASHINGTON!!

Hey, it’s a start…but then again, it’s not likely that political consulting is in my future….

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This page contains a single entry by Jack Cluth published on May 18, 2011 7:54 AM.

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