Grief is the price we pay for love.
- Queen Elizabeth II
A coward is incapable of exhibiting love. It is the prerogative of the brave.
- Mahatma Gandhi
There was so much I wanted to say to you. It was a profoundly sad and difficult time for both of us, though, and so I let it slide. The things I wanted to say, that I need to say, are intended to be therapeutic for me. I need to do this for myself, but I hope you will understand that what I’m offering is done out of love…and I do love you- still, completely, and with every bit of my heart. What you do with this information, if anything, is up to you and out of my control.
I’ve loved you with everything that I have and all that I am. I have tried so hard to make things right so that our relationship could work. At the end of the day, it seemed I was never destined to be enough for you as I am. There was always going to be something that angered you, and you did spend a lot of time angry with me. At times I felt as if I was dating two of you- the angry one who seemed to look for things to be upset with me about, and the loving and affectionate one who could be sweet and caring and whose smile could melt my heart from across a room. The problem was that at times I couldn’t know which of you I would meet on a particular day, and having no idea what I could expect was a huge source of anxiety for me.
I know that at your core you’re a good and kind person. I’ve experienced so much of that. Still, you so often seemed predisposed to thinking the worst of me. Ultimately, I was forced to admit that you would never be able to accept me as I am. There were things about you that I was sometimes less than enamored of, but I accepted and loved you- ALL of you- because I always knew that the whole you was a pretty damn fine and very special woman. I still think that; I just wish you could have thought the same of me.
I’ll never know (or understand) why your love for me was conditional and easily withdrawn. At times you could be very affectionate, at others surprisingly cold and angry. I never knew when you would be pulling me close or pushing me away…and you felt that to be perfectly reasonable and appropriate. I don’t know how many men would be willing to put up with that; I did it because I loved you unconditionally and without reservation. I would have given you my last dime and the shirt off my back if you needed it. The things I’ve given you I’ve given without strings and out of love, because I thought they were things that would make your life easier, even if only in small ways.
I understand that relationships can and do end. I knew the risks when I dove in the deep end. What hurts is the cold, insensitive manner in which you chose to end the relationship. You couldn’t even do it in person, choosing instead to do it over the phone. The details will remain between the two of us, but we both know that what you did was a terrible thing to do to someone you’ve loved. When you apologized it didn’t feel sincere, as if the words were designed to make you feel better. It was a selfish and disrespectful act that could have been prevented by simply being honest with me instead of leading me on. I can’t begin to know what you were thinking, and I don’t believe that you set out to break my heart…but in the end that’s what you accomplished.
I’ll be fine. I’m strong, I’ll recover, and I won’t allow this setback to embitter me or cause me to lose hope. This hurts like Hell now, but that’s what happens when you risk loving someone. Great love, and that’s what this was for me, often results in great loss. Perhaps this is what I deserve for giving you my heart so completely. Perhaps this is karma. I don’t pretend to know. I was very angry with you, but after seeing you I truly feel sorry for you. You had a really great thing here. WE had a really great thing here. You had a great guy in your life, someone who was head over heels in love with you and thought you hung the moon. I’m a good person, and I did everything I could to treat you like the princess you deserve to be treated like. I just don’t know if you understand, recognize, or can acknowledge how shabbily you treated me or how completely you broke my heart. For your sake, I hope that you never, ever find yourself where I am. No one deserves that; I certainly didn’t. I was, and remain, frankly stunned that you could be capable of something so cold and disrespectful.
You don’t seem to understand that, if someone feels differently or reacts differently than you might…well, that’s not wrong. It’s just different. You violated my trust, and I don’t apologize for feeling as I do. I have a right to those feelings, and you crossed a line. It was a breach of trust. I really didn’t want to make a federal case of it, though. If you had simply said, “Hey, I don’t understand or agree with you being so upset, but I understand that my actions hurt you and I’m very sorry,” I would have accepted that. Instead, you minimized my anger, dismissed my feelings, and proceeded to justify what you did as “reasonable.” I’m sorry, but there was nothing “reasonable” about what you did or about dismissing my feelings.
We were making plans for a future together. When you broke up with me, you said you’d been unhappy with the relationship for some time. So…which was it? Depending on what the answer is, you were either lying to me or lying to yourself…but you were lying. What I don’t understand, and probably never will, is why. You demanded honesty of me; it saddens me that you couldn’t hold yourself to that same standard.
I hope you will find someone who can make you happy. I’m just sorry that, despite my best efforts, I couldn’t be that man. I’ve loved you almost since the day we met. Having you in my world made me feel like the luckiest and happiest man in the world. Being with you could be, and quite often was, a sweet and wonderful thing. You could be an amazing friend, lover, and companion. As I’m writing this I ache to feel you next to me. We had so many wonderful times; I just wish that could have been enough for you. I wish that I could have been enough for you. I wish that you hadn’t been more focused on what I’m not than what I am.
I’m not angry….well, OK, maybe I’m still a wee bit pissed, but I don’t hate you. Far from it. It will take me some time to be able to forgive you, but I’ll get there. I still have my memories, and most of them are very sweet. You were always the highlight of my day. All I ever wanted was you….
To say that I love you seems so inadequate, but it will have to do. I will miss you far beyond mere words. Letting you go and watching you drive away was one of the hardest and most painful things I’ve ever done. I will likely never see you again, and that hurts my heart more than you could possibly know.
May you find your happiness, my love…. ;-)
