MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report) - As a prominent child psychologist, I know the struggles that parents go through trying to answer their children’s most difficult questions. “What will happen to me when I die?” “Why do people I love have to go away?” “If there is a God, why does He allow so much pain and suffering in the world?” “Could someone hack my Twitter account and send pictures of my erect penis to everyone in the world?”
It’s all over the news. No matter how hard you might try, you just can’t get away from it. Like a bad hamburger that keeps coming back up, New York Congressman Anthony Weiner’s penis is everywhere (even if that might not really be his penis in the picture in question). Still, how do you discuss a crotch shot (real or fabricated) that was (allegedly) tweeted by a Congressman to a female college student in Seattle? And what sorts of questions can you expect from your children? Given that you’re probably the technically deficient parent of a thoroughly wired and technically proficient 12-year-old boy, there are a few questions (thanks to Andy Borowitz) you might want to prepare for:
1) Could what happened to Anthony Weiner’s penis happen to my penis? Nah, nobody carse about your penis. Anthony Weiner is a Congressman, and something alleged to be his penis is all over the Twitter machine. If your penis is EVER on Twitter, then trust me; we’ll be having a MUCH different conversation.
2) If someday my penis is on Twitter and someone sends pictures of it to everyone in the world, what should I do? It’s a penis; half the world’s population has one, and most of them tend to look pretty much the same. Without an identifying tattoo or birthmark, you’re probably OK. Penises don’t come with name tags. Besides, the last time I saw something that small, it had an eraser on the end of it.
3) Could Anthony Weiner’s penis hack my penis’s Twitter account and send pictures of my penis to people? Nah, no worries. Weiner’s penis is attached to a Congressman; it’s far to important to hack the Twitter account of a 12-year-old boy from East Bumfuck, West Virginia. Most (normal, well-adjusted, non-pedophile) people only care about the penises of wealthy, important, and or beautiful people.
4) If there is a God, why does he let so much pain and suffering happen to Anthony Weiner’s penis? Well, it’s a penis, and it’s incapable of rational thought. Despite what some men might claim, “thinking with the wrong head” is physically impossible. It’s a penis; it doesn’t have a brain. Given how most men with a penis act, you could reasonably wonder if their skulls are in possession of a brain.
Of course, if the questions became too embarrassing, you can do what parents have done since the dawn of time- blush prodigiously and send the little bugger to his room without dinner.
