A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave.
- Mahatma Gandhi
Falseness often lurks beneath fair hair.
- Danish Proverb
A woman can hide her love for 40 years, but her disgust and anger not for one day.
- Arab Proverb
One of the difficult things about life is the challenge inherent in loving someone. The more I know about it, the less I understand it, and the more I wonder about the things that people are capable of doing to someone they once loved. I’m as guilty of this as anyone, of course; I’m no saint, and I’ve made my share of mistakes and caused my share of pain. Coming to grips with that basic truth, however, doesn’t mean that I’m any closer to understanding what it all means.
I’m not writing this to advertise my personal pain or look for sympathy. What I’m trying to do in an effort to come to grips with my situation is write, which is one of the most effective ways for me to process personal setbacks. I find myself having to come to grips with the now undeniable truth that for 2 1/2 years I loved someone who I’m only now realizing is a liar and a stone-cold [bad word I don’t want to use here]. There’s something tremendously humbling about having to admit to an epic failure in judgement. I’ve horribly misjudged the character of someone I loved completely and without reservation, someone that I saw myself wanting to possibly spend the rest of my life with. Wow…how could I have whiffed so badly on that one? How could I have allowed someone who demanded honesty from me to be so thoroughly dishonest in return? And how could I have tolerated someone holding me to a standard she saw no reason to hold herself to? Why is it that I stuck it out for so long with someone who blamed me for our problems while glossing over her contributions?
Those are all good questions…that I’ll likely never have the answers to.
I’m not angry, except when I allow myself to think about what was and what could have been. Mostly I just feel sorry for her. She had a pretty amazing thing, a man who thought she hung the moon and was totally, completely, head-over-heels in love with her. Yet somehow that was never enough for her. There was so often something to be angry with me about. Her love was conditional and easily withdrawn, and there were times when the relationship felt as if it was based on schizophrenia. Would I meet the warm, kind, loving person who could melt my heart with her smile? Or would it be the cold, angry person more likely to give me the silent treatment than a meaningful smile? Even worse, why did I continue to tolerate such an unhealthy and untenable situation?
There’s something freeing (and deeply, tremendously sad) in admitting to the truth- her negativity about me was exceeded only by my blindness to it. I loved someone who in the end was incapable of returning it in kind. I loved someone who couldn’t accept me as I am. When she looked at me, the glass was too often half-empty; if only I could have recognized that for what it was. If only she could have seen in me what I saw in her. I just thought that if I only tried a little harder….
I’ve had to come to grips with recognizing and knowing that I deserve more and I deserve better. I want people in my life who are kind, loving, and accepting. I want to be with someone whose love isn’t conditional and easily withdrawn. I want to be with someone who’s honest and not all and only about herself. In time and with some good fortune, I will have that in my life…because I deserve to have it.
It’s just too bad that it took 2 1/2 years and a boatload of heartache for me to understand these things. Sometimes, the only lessons I really, truly learn are the ones I get slapped in the face with (repeatedly, evidently).
I don’t feel good about this- not any of it, really…but I’ve learned to recognize that I deserve to have people in my life possessed of honesty and integrity. I’m trying to do the same and be a person of honesty and integrity…and I hope I will ultimately get it right more often than I err. I can and will forgive, and though I’m a long ways from that now, I will get there eventually. For now, I’m just wondering how someone who’s usually a pretty good judge of character could have been so thoroughly and completely blind to the truth in this case. I tried so hard…and I was so horribly, terribly wrong.
Now I’m going to do my best to put this sorry episode to bed and write about things and people who have something positive to offer. It’s time to stop looking back and mourning the past I thought I had and look forward to the present and future I CAN have. With any luck, I’m done with this particular subject.
If love is blindness, I should be getting my cane, my tin cup, and my handicapped parking sticker any day now….
