The problem with people is that they’re only human.
- Bill Watterston
Extremes meet, and there is no better example than the naughtiness of humility.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
For some reason, I’ve repeatedly experienced something resembling epiphanies over the past few weeks. Though I’m not certain why, I’m nonetheless sbecoming increasingly grateful for the lessons, regardless of where they might originate.
Yesterday morning, I was at the gym, doing my usual 60-minute penance on an elliptical trainer. The television in front of me was set on an old episode of The Closer. My only experience with the series has been a vaguely defined predilection for Kyra Sedgwick. At various times, Sedgwick been the subject of more than a few reasonably graphic fantasies (apologies to Kevin Bacon). Ah, but I digress, and that’s really another story for another time, one best kept between a boy and his probation officer….
Though I don’t believe I’ve ever watched an episode from start to finish, I was captivated by a couple of minutes worth of dialogue that I haven’t been able to get out of my head. In it, Sedgwick’s character, Brenda Leigh Johnson, is talking with Jon Tenney’s character, FBI Agent Fritz Howard. The characters are married and, at least insofar as I understand things, they occasionally work closely together.
Anyway, this dialogue, and I have no idea which episode it’s from, touches on a crisis of confidence Johnson is having regarding her ability to judge people’s character, which is a big part of her job. Howard, a recovering alcoholic, is trying to get Johnson to recognize and understand the duality of human nature. I can’t reproduce the dialogue verbatim, so I’ll paraphrase as best I can:
Howard: Tell me, am I a good man?
Johnson: Yes, you are…why?
Howard: Two days before I got my second DUI, I woke up with a hangover. As I was getting dressed for work, I noticed my jacket was on the couch. Three rounds were missing from my weapon, but I had no recollection of firing it. I went out to my car and discovered three bullet holes in the driver side of my car. I was lucky; I hadn’t been out in public…but you want to know what was even worse? I kept drinking for two more days, and then got another DUI. The only reason I asked for help was to save my career.
Johnson: But you’re making yourself out to be some sort of monster. You’re the most decent person I know. You’re not a monster.
Howard: I’m both, honey; I’m both….
I know that, no matter how hard I may try to be otherwise, I’m still at my core a horribly flawed human being. Not that this revelation makes me particularly unique, of course. We all are. Some of us might harbor some more arguably egregious transgressions in our past, but we all have something resembling skeletons in our closet. We’ve all hurt and been hurt. We’ve all done and been done. Or worse. So it has been and so it shall ever be.
Part of what I’m trying to do is to become more accepting of the part of myself that isn’t necessarily something I’d want the rest of the world to know about, much less see. I’ve been trying to become more honest about, and kinder to, myself. In doing so, I’ve had to deal with some folks who’ve felt it appropriate to be quite judgmental, as if their own self-ascribed lack of issues makes them a better person. Self-awareness is not merely something you should expect from someone else; it must reside within you to have any meaning. Otherwise, your smug self-superiority is an act; ultimately you’re only fooling yourself.
Anyone living in a gas tank really ought to refrain from lighting matches, knowhutimean??
I recognize that I’m a decent person. I’m also part monster. That duality is part of human nature, present in all of us to varying degrees. It’s why we’re capable of impressive acts of selflessness on one hand and stunningly selfish acts of meanness, self-interest, and evil on the other. Recognizing that will, I hope, allow me to keep the monster under wraps…though I know it will never really go away. It’s just too bad some folks have chosen to judge me by their own inaccurate and self-interested yardstick.
And so it continues….
