[T]he most important piece is “being the right person.” This is what I mean when I say, “be who you want to attract.” If you want to attract a positive, open, honest, healthy and trustworthy person, then from the depths of your very being, on every level (mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical) strive your hardest to be all of those things that you want to attract in another… your self. Then and only then, will you attract that person….It is a simple case of give what you want to receive, project the energy of what you want to attract in another, and you will see some wonderful results…. All relationships are always mirrors reflecting back to us different aspects of ourselves, helping us to see what we cannot see on our own. Sometimes they reflect back to us a beautiful image and sometimes an ugly image….if you don’t like what you see in your partner (mirror), then you need to look in the mirror and ask yourself what aspect of me is this person reflecting back to me? If you are willing to do this, without ego and denial getting in the way (which is very hard sometimes) then you may bring to light a dysfunctional or negative pattern that exists in your relationships. Once you see the pattern you have taken your first step to becoming free of it, by consciously acknowledging it.
I did the best I could. It wasn’t enough. I’m sorry.
I don’t often write about personal things any more, but when I do, there’s a reason behind it. Writing has always been my therapy, and there are times when I don’t mind my readers recognizing that I’m (sometimes way too) human, with human emotions, human foibles, and human problems. In the past I’ve written about my ADD and my struggles with depression. Over the past 10 years, there have been other windows I’ve opened as well. Perhaps it’s just an exercise in self-delusion, but while I’ve no desire to spill my guts online, my writing can at times be reflective of the happiness and/or turmoil in my life. I’m like anyone else; sometimes life sucks…and sometimes it’s pretty sweet. If I’m going to paint a picture, I want to try to make it at least something resembling honest and real. Have I always succeeded at that? Hell, no; not by a long shot. But at least I’m trying.
A few days ago, I wrote about the end of a relationship as abstractly as I could. If I’d been trying to be vindictive, I would have included names and details. Because I wanted to be honest and still have it be about me, I left out the names and grisly details. That seemed a reasonable boundary.
I wrestled with whether or not I should post something so personal, but in the end it was about me, and my need to do something therapeutic. My writing about it was something that is helping me process the agonizing pain and sense of loss I feel…and it’s cheaper than the $80/hour I pay my therapist when I see her. You don’t have to like it, but it’s my circus, and since I’m the ringmaster….
I find it disingenuous to be lectured about honesty and integrity by someone who displayed so little of it toward me in the end. I ended up having to admit to the reality that what I thought I had did not reflect the reality of what I had. There’s plenty of blame on both sides; while I’m willing to accept responsibility for my share of it, we both screwed up in our own inimitable way. I accept my part in it. It would be nice to feel as if the same was true coming from the other direction, but then double standards tend to mitigate against that sort of honesty and reflection.
I’m not going to apologize. I will accept responsibility for knowing I was taking a risk. I understood that writing honestly about something so personal and painful might not be universally well-received. Still, in the end, it was about what I needed to do for me and my healing. I can understand that someone might not have read in in the spirit it was offered, but I don’t apologize for being honest.
There’s a profound sense of loss and disappointment in having to come to grips with the reality that the situation you spent 2 1/2 years trying to construct was in the end nothing like what you thought it was. The negativity was exceeded only by my blindness to it…and I accept responsibility for putting myself in that place. My problem. My decision. My responsibility.
It’s time to start making better choices….
I’m not the first person to ever find myself in this position…not that this knowledge makes it any easier for me. This isn’t my first rodeo, but while I’ve been down this road before and I have an idea of what the healing process entails, knowing certainly doesn’t make it any easier. Understanding doesn’t take the edge off the pain. I have some work to do.
What I need to do now is to take a good, long look at myself and the way I’m living my life. I need to figure out what it is that I want to attract into my life…and then I need to work on becoming that person. Then, we’ll see what happens. I’m a good person, and I have a lot to offer to someone who’s willing to appreciate it. First, though, I need to appreciate myself, and be honest with myself about what I want, need, and deserve. Outside of knowing that I deserve more and better, the details need to be filled in.
My chief failure was in thinking that, if I just tried harder, I could make things work. The goal was laudable, but given that I was only half the equation (and that I was blind to the reality of it) meant that my power to change things extended only so far. Ignorance of truth and reality mitigates neither…and though you might have been forgiven for thinking I would have learned that lesson by now….
I’ve often said this over the almost 10 years I’ve been maintaining this, my personal online confessional and playpen: my sandbox, my rules. If you don’t like it, there are plenty of other diversions available to you on da Interwebs. I’m trying to be honest about (and with) myself, and while I don’t always get there, I’m doing the best I can with what I have to work with. When I’ve screwed up, I’ve screwed up BIG…but I’d like to think that there have been more successes than failures. Whether or not any of y’all actually agree with me on that count is out of my control.
I have no plans for my life to be an open book, but I do reserve the right to write about events and issues in my life when I deem it appropriate and reasonable to do so. Hey, how can you appreciate the successes if you don’t experience the failures and the f—kups?
Now, if you don’t mind, today’s another day, and I have some work to do.
