If I owned Hell and Texas, I’d live in Hell and rent Texas.
- Gen. Phil Sheridan
Next time I tell you someone from Texas should not be president of the United States, please pay attention.
- Molly Ivins
I write a lot about my generalized antipathy for Texas. After living there for 3722 days (not that I was counting), I think I know of which I speak. Despite what you might think, though, I don’t uniformly hate everything about Texas (there actually are things I do miss). Still, I never cease to marvel at what a hot, screwed up mess the place is. If Texas is God’s Country, then God (whoever He or She may be) has a wicked sense of humor.
One need not look beyond Texas politics to get a sense of what I’m talking about. First, before George W. Bush spent eight years driving this country into the toilet, he perfected his craft as Governor of Texas. Then, his Lieutenant Governor and partner in sheer, abject ineptitude- Rick Perry- ascended to the big chair in the Governor’s Mansion when Captain Codpiece © became President. Governor Goodhair then took a state whose economy was in reasonably good shape…and set it on the expressway to the poorhouse. At last count, Texas’ budget deficit was $25-$28 billion, depending on whom you believe and whose math actually makes sense.
As they say around the [Texas] Legislature, if you can’t drink their whiskey, screw their women, take their money, and vote against ‘em anyway, you don’t belong in office.
- Molly Ivins
Yeah, I know what you’re going to ask. “So, Jack, does that mean that Rick Perry is destined to spend his dotage managing a Dairy Queen in Paint Creek?” Au contraire, mon ami, Governor Goodhair is…wait for it…contemplating running for President. Despite a virtually unbroken record of ineptitude and incompetence, Perry (living proof of the Peter Principle if ever there was one) is “serious” about pursuing the GOP nomination. (Among the rats who jumped from Newt Gingrich’s sinking campaign ship last week were two senior Perry political operatives.)
Yes, despite his record of…well, I’m not sure what, really…Perry has been seduced by the siren song of Presidential politics. In his defense (something I’m normally loathe to rise to), the beautiful thing about having no discernible record of accomplishments (despite 10 years as Governor) is that no one can force you to run on your record; there’s nothing to be held accountable for. Well, nothing except ineptitude, incompetence, and an impressive record of pandering to the Christian Far Right…and if you live in Texas, you just KNOW that Jesus is Conservative Republican.
I dearly love the state of Texas, but I consider that a harmless perversion on my part, and discuss it only with consenting adults.
- Molly Ivins
The governor of Texas, who, when asked if the Bible should also be taught in Spanish, replied that ‘if English was good enough for Jesus, then it’s good enough for me.’
- Christopher Hitchens
So now I can almost hear the disbelief. Surely, you’re saying, NO ONE could possibly be THAT incompetent…right? Well, kids…how ‘bout we just keep in mind that we’re talking about the Great State of Texas here, and that most Texans would vote for a ham sandwich if it had an “R” behind its name. When you’re tempted to give in to reason and begin believing that no one would tolerate such massive, unchecked incompetence and ineptitude…just remember; this is Texas. Republicans, no matter how evil, venal, and inept, are ordained by God. Democrats? Well, they’re of the Devil, of course.
Having discovered that incompetence in the service of Jesus is no vice, Governor Goodhair has decided to cede all responsibility for his inept and ineffective leadership and…wait for it…turn to God. Yes, he’s declared August 6th to be a “Day of Prayer and Fasting for Our Nation’s Challenges”. Perry’s ceding of responsibility, which the event’s website calls “The Response: A Call To Prayer For A Nation In Crisis,” is notable for the group sponsoring the rally. The driving force behind Perry’s tour de farce is none other than the American Family Association. For those of you unfamiliar with the American Family Association…well, AFA is to Christianity what the Final Solution was to National Socialism. One of AFA’s favorite fear-generating (and fund-raising) tactics is to harp on the evils of the insidious Gay Agenda. If Bryan Fischer and Donald Wildmon are Christians, then I’m the Queen of England….
As unbelievable as it might seem to anyone outside the Lone Star State, the Governor of Texas is embracing a group whose flavor of Christianity is firmly rooted in hate, exclusion, prejudice, and fear. To describe AFA as a “hate group” wouldn’t begin to do justice to their intolerant, hateful agenda. And Rick Perry is leaning on these folks to prove that’s he’s Jesus-y enough to be the GOP nominee for President? When you get right down to it, this has nothing to do with the teachings of Jesus Christ…except that Christ’s teachings are being used as camouflage by Perry and others whose lust for power and desire to create an American theocracy knows no bounds.
This isn’t about Christianity. It’s about an intolerant collection of Christian zealots who can really only fairly be described as the American Taliban looking to give their narrow, fear-based theology the force of law.
That Perry’s “OMG! WE’RE GOING TO HELL IN A HANDBASKET” rally dovetails nicely with his alleged Presidential ambitions is purely coincidental and apropos of absolutely nothing. Yeah, right….
In Texas, we do not hold high expectations for the [governor’s] office; it’s mostly been occupied by crooks, dorks and the comatose.
- Molly Ivins
Of course, this sort of thing plays fabulously well in Texas, where the separation of Church and State is considered just another Liberal plot to force the Gay Agenda upon good, God-fearing Texans. America is in crisis, y’all…and since Governor Goodhair and his fellow Texas Republicans are COMPLETELY out of ideas, well, thank God we have Jesus.
When you’ve bollixed things up beyond repair, and what little leadership you had to offer has proven horribly inadequate…well, there’s always the last refuge of a scoundrel- prayer. When you consider the scoundrels that Perry is surrounding himself with in the creation and promotion of his rally, a reasonable person really should be wondering how he could possibly be the President of ALL Americans.
And don’t even get me started on Perry advocating that Texas secede from the Union….
It’s a low-tax, low-service state—so shoot us. The only depressing part is that, unlike Mississippi, we can afford to do better. We just don’t. … Maybe this spell in the national spotlight will inspire us to fix some things.
- Molly Ivins
Q: How is Texas like Serbia?
A: Hey, when you’re a sitting US Senator from Texas, and you can seriously put forth the proposition that President Obama has a bias against Texas…yeah, you either have an overdeveloped sense of paranoia, an inflated sense of self-importance…or both.
So, just how bad are things in Texas, and just how far has Rick Perry gone to camouflage his record of Jesus-y incompetence and Right-wing nuttery? Well, thanks to the good folks at ThinkProgress, who’ve been kind enough to provide us with the Top 10 Things Texas Gov. Rick Perry Doesn’t Want You To Know About Him…well, now you know:
- PERRY ALLOWED THE EXECUTION OF A LIKELY INNOCENT MAN, THEN IMPEDED AN INVESTIGATION INTO THE MATTER
- PERRY WANTS TO REPEAL THE 16th AND 17th AMENDMENTS, ENDING DIRECT ELECTION OF U.S. SENATORS AND THE FEDERAL INCOME TAX
- PERRY PROPOSED LETTING STATES DROP OUT OF SOCIAL SECURITY AND MEDICAID
- TEXAS IS THE COUNTRY’S BIGGEST POLLUTER, BUT PERRY SUED THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT FOR DISAPPROVING OF THE STATE’S AIR QUALITY STANDARDS
- PERRY DESIGNATED AS “EMERGENCY LEGISLATION” A BILL REQUIRING ALL WOMEN SEEKING ABORTIONS TO HAVE SONOGRAMS FIRST
- PERRY GUTTED CHILDCARE SERVICES EVEN AS TEXAS CHILDHOOD POVERTY HIT 25 PERCENT
- PERRY WAS A STRONG SUPPORTER OF TEXAS’S ANTI-SODOMY LAWS
- PERRY IS A STIMULUS HYPOCRITE WHO LOUDLY CRITICIZED FEDERAL RECOVERY MONEY BUT USED IT TO BALANCE HIS STATE’S BUDGET
- PERRY SAID THAT TEXAS MIGHT HAVE TO SECEDE FROM THE UNITED STATES
- DESPITE HAVING THE WORST UNINSURED RATE IN THE COUNTRY, PERRY CLAIMS THAT TEXAS HAS “THE BEST HEALTH CARE IN THE COUNTRY”
Yes, those are not typos, nor are they exaggerations. If you’re a wealthy White Conservative Heterosexual Christian male, you’ve got it made. If you’re not…well, pardner, if you insist on living in Texas, you might as well resign yourself to being, in virtually every legal sense, a second-class citizen. The State of Texas views you as a lesser human being, and therefore unworthy of the same rights and protections that accrue to REAL (White Conservative Heterosexual Christian male) Texans.
Perhaps Governor Goodhair had the right idea. Perhaps Texas should secede. After all, would anyone outside the Lone Star State actually miss them?
