Forgive or relive.
- Anonymous
My failures have been errors in judgment, not of intent.
- Ulysses S. Grant
A fool may be known by six things: anger, without cause; speech, without profit; change, without progress; inquiry, without object; putting trust in a stranger, and mistaking foes for friends.
- Arab proverb
Ah, forgiveness: 11 letters, which, when arranged in a specific order, create one of the least understood and most difficult to accomplish concepts known to man. Sure, there’s the definition, but can forgiving really be as simple and straightforward as “to grant pardon to (a person)”? Being that I was a history major, my philosophical underpinnings can be a bit shaky at times, which would explain why I find myself grappling with how to forgive. I know what the word means…but then I don’t really KNOW what the word means, do I? If I did, I wouldn’t find myself having to ask the questions of myself that I am, and I wouldn’t be struggling with determining how to get from where I am to where I want to be.
How do you find the strength to forgive someone who’s done something so thoughtless and cold that it’s borderline unforgivable? How do you pardon someone who’s demonstrated themselves to be patently unworthy of forgiveness? How do you get from a place of hurt and anger to a place that doesn’t forget, but also doesn’t let it metastasize into something toxic?
In the end, internalizing that toxicity will only do serious damage to me and my soul. My challenge is to move past that to a place where I can forgive. How I’ll get there…well, that I couldn’t tell you right about now. In Buddhism, forgiveness is a central tenet on the path to Enlightenment. I look at that, and it’s hard not to feel horribly unprepared, unworthy, and inadequate to the task. Enlightenment? Nice concept, but right now I’m trying to learn how to forgive someone who doesn’t deserve it for something no reasonable, caring human should have been subjected to. Still, I realize the questions I’m asking have far more to do with me than anyone else…because that’s all I really have any control or influence over.
I’ll get there eventually, I suppose. I have to, because I refuse to allow myself to be held hostage by anger and bitterness over the calculated, insensitive, and self-interested actions of another. I need to consider the source of my dilemma, and console myself that at least I’m not the one responsible for causing it. I also need to remember that I’ve caused my share of pain, and I’ve been fortunate enough to know that I’ve been forgiven by those I’ve wronged and/or treated shabbily. Live long enough, experience enough- and eventually you’re going to find yourself on both sides of the fence. That doesn’t make being on the receiving end any more pleasant or enjoyable…but it does lend some perspective and an example I would do well to heed and follow. Easy to say, but it’s much tougher to travel that road freely and with sincerity.
I’ll probably never fully understand why things happened as they did, or why the person in question chose to do something so cold and thoughtless. Ultimately, I need to be able to look myself in the mirror and be convinced that I did the right thing for the right reason and at the right time. I’m no saint, and I’m far from perfect, but I can’t control how others see, define, or treat me. I can try to lead a life of honesty and integrity, but I have no influence over someone who might decide to travel a different path. All I can do is deal with the aftermath and hope that, in due time, I’ll somehow find my way to forgiveness. I’m a ways- a long, LONG ways- from that just now, but at some point I’ll figure it out. At some juncture I’ll understand that forgiveness is about me and the baggage I choose to carry with me on my journey. It’s NOT about whatever it might be that someone else has done to me.
Sometimes, life sucks. Deal with it; it gets better.
And so it continues….
