OK, so this is probably as close as I will ever get to being “cool”, or “hip”, or whatever the socially correct adjective is these days…but I’ll take what I can get. Hey, I’m on Stephen Colbert’s email list and now I’m a member of his SuperPAC. That and a quarter might get me a latte, but at least I belong to something….
Dear {VALUE=FIRSTNAME} {VALUE=LASTNAME},
I wanted to take a moment to personally express my {VALUE=ADJECTIVE} thanks for signing up for Colbert Super PAC. With your help, we’ll make sure that America steers a course into a more American future.
A lot of people have been asking me why I started Colbert Super PAC. A lot of those people are lawyers. I’ll tell you what I tell them: “I’m doing this for my country. And if you’re going to bill me for the full hour, you may as well make yourself useful and stuff some envelopes.”
A few months ago I looked up and saw our country at a crossroads. Down one road lay moral and financial ruin. Down another road lay the fulfillment of the American dream. Down a third lay Cincinnati. There was another one, but I think it was some sort of service road, it had a big locked gate on it. The point is: We must steer America down the right road (the second one).
Of course, I cannot do this alone. Actually, I probably could, but it would seem a little flashy. By signing up at Colbert Super PAC, you’ve shown you have just what it takes to make a difference - an email address and a willingness to receive lots of spam.
In the coming months Colbert Super PAC will shape the political debate by forcing candidates to focus on issues that matter to you - probably by attaching those issues to something shiny and dangling near the candidates’ face. We’ll produce and air ads in support of key players in important races, whether they want us to or not. And we’ll do all this while enjoying the tax-free status afforded to us by the federal government.
So, once again, {VALUE=FIRSTNAME} I want to thank you for joining Colbert Super PAC. Together, we will speak with one voice - mine. Together, we will stands against those who wish to unite us. Together, we will rent a private jet to take me to rallies, where together we will cheer me on.
Together, we’ll Be Making A Better Tomorrow - Tomorrow.
Sincerely Yours,
Stephen Colbert SuperFounder, Americans For A Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow
