August 6, 2011 7:29 AM

Happy Hypocritefest 2011!! Party responsibly; It's What Jesus Would Do

Rick Perry thought he had come up with a brilliant way of propelling himself into the GOP presidential race. He would appeal to his right-wing fundamentalist base by holding a huge prayer rally in Houston’s Reliant Stadium. The pictures of him waving to many thousands of adoring christian teabaggers would surely show that he was the chosen one…. Several groups (like the American Civil Liberties Union, the Texas Freedom Network, and the People for the American Way) have organized efforts to combat the prayer rally, but they needn’t have bothered. It looks like Perry didn’t need any help screwing this up…. Instead of propelling him into the GOP race for the presidential nomination, this silly rally might just have national Republicans wondering if he really has what it takes to lead the party into the next election.

It’s another beautiful, temperate August summer Saturday morning…but my mind isn’t here in Puddletown. No, I’m thinking about Houston today, more specifically about “The Response,” the prayer rally organized by Texas Gov. Rick Perry in which he’ll officially turn control over the Lone Star State to the Almighty. As badly as Gov. Goodhair has screwed the pooch when it comes to leading Texas, he (and Texas) are sorely in need of something (anything) resembling Divine Intervention.

Prayerapalooza 2011 promises to fill Houston’s Reliant Stadium with thousands upon thousands of uber-Jesus-y Texans, most of whom see Liberals and Democrats as the spawn of Satan probably see prayer as their best (perhaps only) bet when it comes to turning around Perry’s “Texas Miracle.” Of course, the elephant in the room is the reality that the only thing “miraculous” was the degree to which Texas has become a repository for dead-end, low-wage jobs free of cumbersome things like health insurance or retirement plans. Homeless shelters in Austin, as well as other Texas cities are full to overflowing, and 25% of Texans lack health insurance. Perhaps the truest “miracle” was how quickly Gov. Goodhair managed to convince himself and the rest of Texas that the Lone Star State was somehow immune to the recession that decimated the rest of the country (Sure, everyone’s working- at the Dollar Store.). Amazing what a little creative accounting can do, isn’t it? Especially when you feel called by the Lord to lead the largest state in the Union into the toilet.

The good news for Perry is that he’s at least pulling better approval numbers than jock itch…which isn’t hard to do in a state so thoroughly and reliably Republican that most Texans would vote for a ham sandwich if it had an “R” behind its name on a ballot. Gov. Goodhair’s epic, undeniable record of sheer, abject failure and ineptitude would probably shame any politician with a functional sense of decency and shame. In Perry’s case, though, he’s somehow convinced himself that he’s been called by the Lord to run for President. Either Perry’s overdosed on self-delusion, or the Almighty has some mighty low standards these days when it comes to godly leadership.

Today’s Prayerapalooza/Hypocritefest was supposed to be Perry’s coming out party, where he would show the Christian Right that he was far more Jesus-y than any of the other GOP lightweights currently trying to seduce those who vote based on their faith. Details are scarce, and rally organizers have been loathe to disclose the agenda to the heathen Left-wing media, but those in the know are confirming that the program will include just about every form of uber-Jesus-y Right-wing religiosity short of sacrificing a bevy of virgins.

What I find so interesting is that the cast of characters that Perry has invited to JesusFest 2011 truly run the theological gamut- from the heavily medicated to the completely and undeniably bat-shit crazy. The list of speakers include those with some truly “out there” beliefs, which ought to make for some truly entertaining sound bites, if nothing else. Among the beliefs and activities put forward by some of the speakers include these whoppers:

  • Oprah is a sign of the Apocalypse. Yeah, nothing scares a good, God-fearing White Christian more than a successful and powerful African-American woman.

  • Blackbirds are dying because of gay soldiers. Well, at least they’re not dying because they had to read Edgar Allen Poe.

  • The Statue of Liberty is a “demonic idol”. What do you expect? It was a gift from France, after all.

  • Hurricane Katrina was divine retribution for the city’s “sin”. Hey, it’s New Orleans…the debauchery capitol of the Western Hemisphere. ‘Nuff said….

  • Gay rights movement from the “pit of hell”. You know, sometimes I wonder if the Religious Right’s fixation with gay rights isn’t some sort of indication of latent homosexuality. You always hate in others what you most fear in yourself, no?

  • Jesus actually opposed the minimum wage. Two out of three theologians concur; Jesus Christ was a free-market economist who believed that the market should establish and set wage standards.

  • Children of gay parents are like orphans of 9/11. Evidently, gay parents also flew airliners into office buildings.

  • Director of a Christian para-military group. You might have thought that “spiritual warfare” was merely a metaphor. Au contraire….

  • African Americans are “cursed” by homosexuals. As if racism and an epidemic of unemployment among African-Americans wasn’t enough, now they’ve also been cursed by Teh Gayz. Damn the bad luck….

If you’re “lucky” enough to be in Houston today, be sure to stop by Reliant Stadium for some high-class, first-rate preachifying and prayer. Me? I may well be attending the Day of Debauchery and Gluttony. Perhaps those of you who actually believe in the teachings of Jesus Christ and try to lead Christ-like lives could spend some time in church tomorrow praying for your idiot brethren who seem more concerned with piety, religiosity, and Obama-bashing than the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ they profess to revere. Just a thought.

Party on, Garth….

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This page contains a single entry by Jack Cluth published on August 6, 2011 7:29 AM.

Another question I don't have an answer for was the previous entry in this blog.

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