Humility is no substitute for a good personality.
- Fran Lebowitz
Every man alone is sincere. At the entrance of a second person, hypocrisy begins.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Over the 10 years I’ve been blogging, I’ve occasionally written about my various and assorted personal struggles, most notably and recently my recurring and ongoing issues with ADD and depression. I haven’t done this because I’m looking for attention or sympathy. I’ve done it because I’ve wanted to be honest about myself, and I felt that if my story could help even one person in even the smallest of ways, then it would be worth it. Recently, I’ve learned that what I’ve written about myself actually has helped a couple of my readers. That, to me, is priceless. I’m not an exhibitionist, nor am I prone to a desire to overshare, but both ADD and depression have been shrouded in darkness and silence for far too long. It’s better now than it used to be, of course, but as a society we still have a long way to go before the stigma commonly associated with both disorders disappears. I chose to share because I’m not ashamed, and because the more these things are acknowledged and understood, the less stigmatized they will be.
Lest anyone become overly alarmed about my emotional state (and there are those who have been…I appreciate the concern), let me just state for the record that I’m in a very good place. I’m still seeing a counselor (and plan to for the foreseeable future), I’m back on Wellbutrin (and life, not surprisingly, does seem a bit more manageable), and I’m happy. I have someone in my life who accepts me for who I am, warts and all. This is something I cherish, because it was not so very long ago that this wasn’t the case. Life is good, and it’s getting better. I’m doing a better job of being kind to and respectful of myself. I’m realizing that my writing really is a talent and a gift, and I’m working on chasing that dream. What form that will take remains to be seen, but I’m focused and I have a plan (and if you know me at all, you’ll understand that planning is NOT one of my strengths). It’s taken me an inordinately long period of time to arrive at this place, but life is very, very good…and it’s getting better by the day. No longer do I feel as if I spend my days aping Sisyphus by pushing the same rock up the same hill, only to watch it roll to the bottom each and every time.
Unfortunately, there are those out there who, for their own reasons, seem willing to devote an extraordinary amount of misplaced and misguided energy to bringing me down. I don’t know why this would be the case, and I quite frankly don’t care to know. I want, and deserve to have, people in my life who are kind, respectful, loving, honest, and possessed of integrity. For far too long I settled for less. Perhaps I thought that’s what I deserved, but I know better now, and I’m working hard to maintain my self-respect, self-confidence, and self-esteem. I understand the challenges I face, and I’ll continue to face them as best I can. You can appreciate that or not; I can’t do anything about what anyone else thinks of me. What I can do is ensure that I surround myself with people who love and respect me for who I am instead of disparaging me for what I’m not. I’ve concentrated a lot on that recently, and the results have been better than I could have possibly imagined. Hey, people like me when they meet me. Whodathunkit??
I’ll continue to write about about my ongoing issues with depression and ADD as- or if- it seems that I have something new to say. My hope is that my openness might help someone, even if in a small way. If I can provide even the smallest degree of hope to one reader, then it will have been worth it. For those of you have a problem with that, or with me (and you know who you are), you’re free to continue as you see fit…just as I’m free to ignore that negative energy in my continued search for the positive things in my life. I’ve moved on, and I will continue moving forward, which, when you think about it, is what any well-adjusted person hopes for. It’s just taken me longer than some to come to grips with this.
Tune in tomorrow, when I’ll discuss my unnatural predilection for Maple with Bacon ice cream….
