September 24, 2011 7:20 AM

When you're reduced to complaining about ice cream, can you be called anything but pathetic?

(Also published at The Agonist)

Queer-loving ice cream hippies Ben & Jerry have created a limited-edition ice cream blend based on the popular Saturday Night Live skit which has Alec Baldwin, playing a man named Schweddy, talking about his dessert balls. Thus, Schweddy Balls…. For the American Family Association spin-off group One Million Moms, at least. They’ve sent an angry letter to Ben & Jerry’s requesting that no more Schweddy Balls are put in America’s grocers’ freezers. “The vulgar new flavor has turned something as innocent as ice cream into something repulsive,” the morally upstanding letter cried. “Not exactly what you want a child asking for at the supermarket.”

Sometimes, I think that America would be a much better, and certainly calmer, place to be if everyone would just lighten up. It seems as if there are entire classes of people who spend their days in search of something- anything- that will allow them to vent their considerable righteous anger. Just think about what sort of anger and fear these uptight sorts are holding inside, and you can understand why they so desperately seek things that will allow them to go from zero to apoplexy in no time flat.

One Million Moms, and I have a hard time believe this self-important group numbers anywhere near a million mothers, could really be something special. If only they would focus their considerable energy and righteous anger on things that actually matter- you know, like education, nutrition, anti-bullying campaigns, and the list goes on. The 200 or 300 mothers who have to call themselves One Million Moms to feed their inflated sense of self-importance could make a positive contribution. Instead, they’ve chosen to focus on…wait for it…ice cream. How petty and small does someone have to be in order to demand that a company change the name of a flavor of ice cream? Look, if your child asks for it, and you’re offended by the name, put on your parent hat. Explain to the child why you think that it’s inappropriate and they shouldn’t be asking for the flavor. Instead, you’ve decided to focus your uptight, righteous anger on trying to denying something to everyone simply because it offends your tender sensibilities.

Here’s an idea: get over yourselves already. If you’re legitimately offended by “Schweddy Balls”, there’s a very simple choice available to you- don’t purchase that ice cream flavor. Swear off Ben & Jerry’s altogether if it makes your feel righteous and alive. I doubt anyone will care, but if that makes you feel important and vital, then why not? All I ask is that you keep your silly, immature, righteous anger to yourself. Understand and accept that your prejudice does not connote upon you the right to do anything but make decisions that impact you and those unfortunate enough to live under the same roof…because Lord knows I feel sorry for the “One Million Dads” who have to wake up next to you each morning.

As for Ben & Jerry’s, they’re subtly and gently telling One Million Moms that they can to fornicate themselves:

Ben & Jerry’s, for their part, says that the product is selling like crazy and they have no plans to stop waving their Schweddy Balls in everyone’s faces and put them away.

Very often, the best way to deal with silliness like this is simply to ignore the Sturm und Drang and go about your business. When you get down to it, the bleatings of One Million Moms only expose them as the small-minded, intolerant zealots they evidently and proudly are. Not only that, but they’ve probably a good deal of free publicity for Schweddy Balls. I don’t know about you, but few things give me more pleasure than the moral equivalent of waving a red cape in front of a raging bull. I know; that’s not nice, but I find it difficult to resist tweaking those who feel that their self-righteous zealotry trumps any and all alternative viewpoints.

If you’re offended by the name of a flavor of ice cream, I’d submit that not only do you really need to get out more, you need to lighten up. Surely, there are better avenues for your energies, especially as mothers. What…you don’t have enough to worry about involving your children? Childhood diseases? SIDS? Child sexual predators? You really have enough energy left to gin up the righteous indignation necessary to protest ice cream? Perhaps it’s time to let the nanny go and start doing some of the heavy lifting yourself, knowwhutimean??

I understand that in a democracy, free speech can be, and often is, offensive speech. The same probably holds true for ice cream. All this really proves is that Ben & Jerry’s has a sense of humor…and One Million Moms doesn’t. It’s just too bad they can’t use their clearly considerable energy and righteous indignation to do something positive.

Hmm…I wonder how I can get me some Schweddy Balls??

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This page contains a single entry by Jack Cluth published on September 24, 2011 7:20 AM.

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