November 30, 2011 8:17 AM

This is why I don't eat tofu: It's called a food chain for a reason, people

A female resident of Portland, Oregon was at home cooking tofu when, suddenly and without warning, her kitchen exploded. The woman said she was rinsing her tofu pan in the sink when a mysterious force—she isn’t sure what—burned her hand and knocked a six-foot window out of her home and onto the street.

Yeah, I know; it’s Portland, and people here eat all manner of things not animal-based out of some vague, whiny-ass “concern for the environment.” Then something like this happens…and we’re reminded all over again that tofu really isn’t food; it’s a tasteless, formless mass that tastes like something probably better used on drywall.

It’s not as if I’m a rabid vegetarian or even a rabid carnivore. I don’t eat beef, but beyond that I rather enjoy the perks that come with being a carnivore. After all, what’s the fun of sitting atop the food chain if you can’t occasionally feast on life forms unfortunate enough to occupy the rungs below you? If man wasn’t meant to eat fish or poultry, then why did [insert name of deity here] make them so freakin’ tasty?

Probably just God reminding us that he made humankind carnivorous for a reason. “But the fearful, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and those who dine on annoying soy food products, shall be cast into the lake of fire and brimstone.” Little known fact: In Biblical times, “sodomy” actually referred to tofurkey sandwiches.

Agreed.

What’s truly hilarious about this is that the Portland Fire Bureau has NO idea how the tofu in question could have exploded as it did in this instance. Portland’s local bathroom companion, The Oregonian, is asking the public for help in solving the Mystery of the Exploding Tofu. Hey, if you’ve got any ideas, you can email Tom Hallman, Jr.…or, better yet, just stay away from tofu altogether. You’ll be better off for it.

I know; you can thank me later.

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This page contains a single entry by Jack Cluth published on November 30, 2011 8:17 AM.

Just in case y'all might have lost sight of how we got to where we are.... was the previous entry in this blog.

Katherine Heigl on behalf of the Foundation for Neutering Men is the next entry in this blog.

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