February 10, 2012 7:45 AM

I did my master's thesis on "anus-mounted fireworks"...and lived to tell about it

Defendant Hughes was highly intoxicated on this date and time, and decided in his drunken stupor that it would be a good idea to shoot bottle rockets out of his anus on the ATO deck, located on the back of the ATO house…. Defendant Hughes placed a bottle rocket in his anus, ignited the fuse, but instead of launching, the bottle rocket blew up in the defendant’s rectum, and this startled the plaintiff and caused him to jump back, at which time he fell off of the ATO deck, and he became lodged between the deck and an air conditioner unit adjacent the deck…. Firing bottle rockets out of one’s own anus constitutes an ‘ultra-hazardous’ activity … Defendant Hughes owed plaintiff and others on the ATO deck a duty of care not to drink under age, or to fire bottle rockets out of his anus.

I can remember doing some pretty crazy things in college after having had too much to drink. I imagine most anyone who went to college could make a similar claim. College is the universally accepted place and time for getting all the stupid stuff you’ve wanted to do out of your system so you can get down to the business of becoming a responsible adult. (Gratutious South Park reference: “There’s a time and a place for that…and it’s called ‘college’.”)

What I can safely say, and I hope my readers will be able to echo this, is that none of my undeniably dissolute collegiate hijinks involved the phrase “anus-mounted fireworks.”. This might sound like an exercise in natural selection, but thankfully, no one confirmed their eligibility for a Darwin Award. As will very often happen during a frat party, everyone involved ended up getting pretty drunk and stupid. Then the fun began….

ATO member Travis Hughes was extremely intoxicated when he…ahem…”placed a bottle rocket in his anus.” The idea, as far as Hughes can be accused as actually having thought things through, was to shoot the bottle rocket out of his rectum. How this could possibly have seemed a good idea would be impossible for anyone not already inebriated to understand.

Unfortunately for Hughes, things didn’t quite go according to plan…whatever that plan might have been. The bottle rocket exploded in Hughes’ rectum…and I don’t even want to know what sort of damage that did. I’d imagine he experienced difficulty sitting comfortably for quite some time…and he probably had to avoid fiber, as well.

Steve Hensley, dean of student affairs at Marshall, said every Greek organization on campus has nationally established standards to prevent high-risk activities.

I wonder if those “nationally established standards” say anything about “anus-mounted fireworks”?

Man, I miss college sometimes….

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This page contains a single entry by Jack Cluth published on February 10, 2012 7:45 AM.

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