It’s not exactly a stretch to call Texas’ new sonogram law an assault on women. Though Roe v. Wade has been settled law since 1973, Texas, like many Red states, has been attempting to deny women access to abortions (and reproductive health care in general) by tinkering around the margins. They understand they can’t outlaw abortion, but they’ve decided to choke off access to abortion via the legal equivalent of cutting off its oxygen supply. By regulating everything leading up the performance of an abortion, and by passing laws designed to shame women into changing their minds, Red states have essentially declared war on women. Conservative White males have decided that the idea that women should be able to control their own bodies is completely unacceptable and un-Christian. Women are, after all, sperm receptacles and rightfully the property of men.
One way to fight back is through humor…even though Texas Republicans are notorious for being impervious to anything even faintly redolent of humor. Still, we can and most definitely should employ humor to highlight the absurdity of what holier-than-thou Conservatives are doing to women (and are they unaware that women vote??)
After the jump is a (fictional) press release created by one of my favorite Liberal Texas bloggers, John Cobarruvias (hat tip to Ted McLaughlin).
Governor calls for new prostate exam procedures.
“Every life lost to prostate disease is a tragedy we all must work together to prevent, and I commend Rep. Miller and Sen. Patrick for their hard work on this significant legislation,”Friday March 16, 2012 • Austin, Texas • Press Release
Gov. Rick Perry ceremonially announce his support for new legislation crafted by Senator Dan Patrick and Representative Sid Miller which requires men to have a modified prostate procedure to ensure he is fully informed before making any impactful decisions.
The governor designated the measure an emergency item for the upcoming 2013 Legislative Session. He was joined by Sen. Dan Patrick and Rep. Sid Miller at the ceremony. “This important bill will ensure that every Texas man seeking or not seeking a prostate exam has all the facts about the procedure, and understands the devastating impact of such a life-changing decision.”
The bill will require a series of hour long anal probes, performed by specialists with overly large digits, which will provide much needed information for men to determine what medical procedures would be necessary in the future. Under this legislation, a physician is required to display the results of the probe and explain the results in graphic detail.
“This bill will protect human life: the lives of men who may or may not want a prostate exam, as well as those who are faced with such a life changing decision,” said Rep Sid Miller. “By providing men with a full 24-hour waiting period between these long, detailed, penetrating, pulsating, anal probes, this bill will provide men with adequate time to catch their breath and weight the impacts of their life-changing decision of taking a desk job without the use of Preparation H.”
“Today is a great day for men’s health in Texas,” Sen. Patrick said. “This bill will greatly improve men’s healthcare in Texas, provide men the information that they deserve through informed consent of a pulsating, probing, and long duration anal probe, and will undoubtedly save thousands of lives.”
After the ceremony Dr. Miller joined Dr. Patrick in performing a medical procedure to remove Perry’s head from his ass.
