June 2, 2012 7:16 AM

Another WWJD public service: How to make it through the weekend without eating anyone

Everywhere you turn these days, it seems someone is feasting on the tasty flesh of another human. Gay porn stars in Canada, new mothers in Texas, dudes high on bath salts in Miami, ornery students in Maryland, nobody in North America is above wanting to chow down on the red meat of homo sapiens. The human dining experience even leads to four-star Yelp reviews.

Man, it seems like every time I turn on the television there’s yet another story about how someone either succeeded in eating (or was caught trying to eat) another person. I know what you’re thinking; “Hey, could that happen to me? Will I be overcome with the urge to feast on human flesh? Will I be overwhelmed by the desire to rip out and eat someone’s still-beating heart? And should I have a red or a white wine with that still-beating heart?”

I don’t know about you, but gnawing on my neighbor is not something I tend to lose sleep over. Nonetheless, if you’re concerned about making it through the weekend without snacking on a two-legged meat sack, here’s some advice offered as a public service:

  1. If you think you might be craving the flesh of another human, it’s actually your body’s way of telling you you’re iron-deprived. Eat some kale, yo!

  2. Make sure you’ve got a well-stocked fridge of good non-traditional cold cuts and meats — go out today and buy hot Capicola, some Sopressata, a little Prosciutto di Parma. A lovely Charcuterie can beat back your urges.

  3. Don’t pickpocket — it’s a gateway to checking the back of strangers’ driver’s licenses. Just because someone is an organ donor doesn’t mean they want you to eat their tasty insides while they’re still alive. That’s for later, silly….

  4. If you feel an urge to eat a human and don’t think you can overcome it, don’t worry, we’ve all been there, man. Call your sponsor. They’re stronger.

  5. Two words: Juice Cleanse.

  6. Try eating chicken skin instead. With a little zest, it’ll taste just like that fresh-off-the-jaw facemeat you’re naturally craving.

  7. Bought the wrong kind of “bath salts?” Use them to take a soothing soak instead. Your urge to kill and eat flesh will subside. Do you know how many lives Calgon has saved over the years?

Of course, there’s the most obvious reason to avoid killing and eating a human unfortunate enough to be in your vicinity when it’s feeding time: IT’S A FELONY. Just sayin’….

I know; you can thank me later…after you’ve made it through the weekend without chowing down on your roommate.

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This page contains a single entry by Jack Cluth published on June 2, 2012 7:16 AM.

Intro to Republican Foreign Policy 101 was the previous entry in this blog.

Uh...thanks, but I think I'll just hit the drive-through at Burgerville is the next entry in this blog.

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