June 8, 2012 5:27 AM

Friday Funnies: Because laughter really is the best medicine...after sex, of course

Any idiot can face a crisis - it’s day to day living that wears you out.

  • Anton Chekhov

It may be June where you are, but here in Portland, it’s still late March- chilly, rainy, grey, and windy. Summer seems an abstract concept, and I recently found myself laughing uproariously at a friend from New York City who said it had been 88 degrees when she left Gotham.

My kingdom for a sunburn….

Since the grey, dreary weather is playing havoc with my frame of mind, I thought it would be a good time to have a few chuckles at the expense of others. I know; Schadenfreude can be such an ugly…and yet so terrifically satisfying…thing, but what can I say? I’m a fallible, miserable excuse for a human being…and I need to laugh. With that in mind, why not just sit back, close your eyes, and let the rich, creamy Schadenfreude wash over you? I most certainly will be.

If you’re going to play in the adult world, you’d best wear an adult-sized protective cup. Caiden Cowger is a 14-year-old West Virginia lad of the decidedly Conservative persuasion who’s fortunate enough to have his own radio show. It was all fun and games until he went on an epic rant, accusing Lady Gaga, Joe Biden, and Barack Obama of “making kids gay.”. OK, so the kid’s judgment is questionable- he considers Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh to be his role models- but if you’re going to take to the public airwaves and traffic in political commentary…well, you’d best bring your big boy pants.

You might think that Cowger, once give time to consider his actions and his words, might think it reasonable to walk back the vitriol and apologize. Au contraire, mon ami…. During his next broadcast, Cowger doubled down on his hateful, anti-gay rant, going so far as to quote Scripture to buttress his hatred.

Yep; teach a child to hate early on…and you’ll have a Conservative for life.

If the X-Acto knife doesn’t come with instructions stating that the knife should be kept away from genitals, I’d sue. Police in San Francisco were summoned to a home at 2 a.m. Wednesday, where they found a 20-year-old man in extremis. He’d somehow managed to sever his penis with an X-Acto knife. (I know; sometimes the jokes just write themselves, don’t they??) There was no report as to why or how the aspiring Ph.D. candidate managed to detach himself from his Johnson, nor was there any indication as to whether drugs or alcohol were involved.

Really; who would sever their own penis without being blind drunk or so high that they’re hallucinating that their penis is actually a man-eating snake?

I hope that the poor guy was able to get to a hospital quickly enough to have his manhood reattached, though I suspect that if he’s cut it off once….

If you live in Salem, OR, and you see what you think is a cougar, please make certain it’s not a middle-aged female…or a house cat. There are a lot of things in Oregon that can kill you, but I’ve got to think that your common, garden-variety house cat isn’t going to be on that list.

Yeah, that cougar you saw? It’s actually a Maine Coon, which can grow as large as 20 lbs…but is a threat only to itself and whatever small rodents it happens to come across.

Today’s (not exactly) Mother-of-the-Year candidate. Lauren Jackson has been entering her daughter, Savannah, in beauty contests since she was 10 months old. She’s also been paying to get her daughter professionally spray tanned on a monthly basis since she was two. As near as I can determine, Savannah is a shiny object to be displayed, valuable primarily for her perceived attractiveness. She’s learning early on the value of making herself attractive in order to please men.

Anyone else see years of therapy in her future?

That whooshing sound you heard? That was Savannah’s childhood flying by while her mother’s trying to turn her into today’s version of Jon Benet Ramsey.

Today’s (not exactly) Mother-of-the-Year candidate, Take Two. Police in Colorado pulled over Sandra Ramirez for failure to wear her seat belt. As it turns out, neither her 14-year-old passenger in the front of the vehicle or her 3-year-old son in the back seat were buckled in. The full gas can in the back seat was wearing a seatbelt, though.

Cue the “official oppression” argument in 4…3…2….

When news breaks, we try to fix it. Not news: A 55-year-old man was stopped by police for driving a motor vehicle under the influence of alcohol. News: He was driving a motorized scooter. Epic news: That he’d stolen from someone at a senior living complex after getting into an argument with one of the residents.

Evidently, our hero was ticketed for failing to properly signal a left turn, DUI, and being an idiot.

We’re from the government, and we’re here to…oh, never mind…. Definitely not news: A fire broke out on a US Navy submarine. Slightly more newsworthy: The fire did $400 million worth of damage to a nuclear submarine. Sublimely and ridiculous top-of-the-fold newsworthy: The fire was started by a vacuum cleaner.

What, surely you don’t expect that submariners aren’t going to want to tidy up now and again??

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About this Entry

This page contains a single entry by Jack Cluth published on June 8, 2012 5:27 AM.

Casual Sex Friday: Miserable people resent happiness in others was the previous entry in this blog.

Casual Sex Friday: Sometimes the jokes just write themselves, knowhutimean?? is the next entry in this blog.

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