June 10, 2012 6:19 AM

Is that a tran-vaginal ultrasound wand in your pocket? Or are you just glad to see me??

It’s Sunday morning…which means that I should be contemplating- if not actually accomplishing- something meaningful and constructive. And then I remember that it’s Sunday morning, and “meaningful and constructive” is just code for “Honey, would you mind pouring me another cup of coffee so I don’t have to roust my sorry ass off the couch?”

What do you do when an entire industry is suffering from erectile dysfunction?? Once upon a time, the pornography industry ruled da Interwebs. Then, in accordance with the unspoken Internet law that eventually everything that was once ascendant must surely and inexorably descend (uh…AOL??), porn now finds itself struggling to remain both viable and profitable. For a moment, I was tempted to say “relevant,” but as long as people continue having sex, pornography will have a place at the table. The question becomes what form it will take, and if the industry will be able to create and develop a sustainable and profitable business model.

The pornography industry once did, and in many cases still does, drive innovation on the World Wide Web. What was once available only behind pay walls can in many cases now be found on free sites. Regardless of how you may feel about pornography, it’s a sizable industry that pays taxes like any other. Livelihoods, particularly in places like southern California’s San Fernando Valley, depend on the industry’s health.

The more things change….

If you’re feeling homicidal and you know it, clap your hands. In breaking celebrity divorce news, two giant turtles in an Austrian zoo have evidently decided that they can no longer stand the sight of one another…after 115 years together.

For their sake, let’s hope they had an ironclad prenup.

I thought you believed that assisted suicide was immoral? In what promises to be a test case demonstrating how the free market (or, in this case, natural selection) will weed out the weak, the sick, and the lacking in native intelligence, Texas is planning to unveil a toll road connecting Austin and San Antonio with a posted speed limit of 85 MPH.

There was no comment available on whether Texans will continue to be allowed to toss their empty beer cans out the window of their cars.

Who says history isn’t circular? England’s Daily Mail has putting together a stirring compilation of photographs from the Great Depression.

Wait…what’s that? It’s not the current depression? Oh, yeah, it’s THAT depression, the one that caused Grandpa to bury his money in an old Folger’s can in his garden….

Is that a frozen hot dog in your pocket, or…wait, you don’t HAVE any pockets…. If you live in San Francisco, you have my condolences for missing yesterday’s World Naked Bike Ride…though riding naked in temperatures in the 50s and 60s doesn’t seem a prospect I’d relish.

In related news, thousands of single men signed up for the Naked Bike Ride at the last minute after rumors circulated that the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders and the Swedish Bikini Team would be leading the ride.

Uh…so how do you disarm those things, anyway?. Do you have to do it manually? Just when you might have thought that you fully understood the risks of getting breast implants…well, I’ll bet you never thought you’d have to worry about them exploding. Twenty-seven-year-old Kylie Hudson of West Yorkshire, England thought she finally had the breasts she wanted…until one day her implants just went “BOOM!!”…which is about as far as I really care to pursue that part of the story.

Having survived the trauma of having her implants explode, Ms. Hudson jumped back on the horse and had another set installed. Yessiree, there’s nothing that says you’re a survivor quite like incurring the risk of it happening all over again….

I can hardly wait for dessert. Just when you thought it was safe to resume life sans Fear Factor, the infamous “drinking donkey semen” episode, which was deemed too gross for American sensibilities, has surfaced on Danish television.

In an era when one person chewing another person’s face off is a story that leads the 6:00 news, it would seem that drinking donkey semen is barely newsworthy. Of course, this is America, where people will do just about anything for the 15 minutes of fame…and a paycheck.

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This page contains a single entry by Jack Cluth published on June 10, 2012 6:19 AM.

Because, as any REAL American patriot knows, Democrats and President Obama plan to murder Christians was the previous entry in this blog.

GOP 2012: Because the war on women ain't gonna run itself, knowhutimean?? is the next entry in this blog.

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