I’ve been blogging for going on 11 years now, and I’ve run across (and written about) a sizable population of larger-than-life douchebags. I’m not talking about people who merely disagree with me; no, I’m referring to people who believe that the world revolves around them and their epic, world-class ignorance and intolerance. They believe that they, and only they, are the ultimate authority, and that anyone who would dare question them are worthy only of their scorn and derision.
In recognition of more than a decade of miserable excuses for humanity, ground has finally been broken on the WWJD Hall of Shame. Located in remote, bucolic East Bumfuk, OR, the WWJD Hall of Shame will serve as the world’s premier showcase of dickishness. It’s being built with the hope that it will become the world’s foremost resource on ignorance, intolerance, self-righteousness, self-congratulation, and unmedicated dickishness.
In celebration of the WWJD Hall of Shame’s grand opening, the keynote speaker at the dedication later this year will be Bernie Madoff, who will immediately afterwards be sent to Times Square in New York and used as a human piñata. He’ll be welcoming the inaugural class of douchebags into the WWJD Hall of Shame. The 13 members of the inaugural class will set the standard for inhumanity for the rest of mankind. Their mamas must be SO proud….
Without further ado, then, allow me to present the 2012 Dirty (Baker’s) Dozen, the inaugural class of the WWJD Hall of Shame:
Nancy Grace: It takes a special kind of despicable to stomp on the grief and suffering of others in an effort to pump up your ratings. To Grace’s everlasting (dis)credit, she possesses a surplus of despicable. Her role in arguably goading a woman into committing suicide is representative of the self-righteous, holier-than-thou, show-no-mercy-take-no-prisoners certitude that probably made her a formidable prosecutor…and certainly a horrible excuse for a human being.
Rush Limbaugh: It takes a committed blowhard to be able to go public with the premise that THE POOR AREN’T SUFFERING ENOUGH. Ever eager to tell his listeners all that he decrees is wrong with America, his pronouncements are invariably mean-spirited, light on facts, and disrespectful of at least one class (that can’t be described as wealthy White Conservative males). For some reasons, Limbaugh has collected millions of drooling sycophants who hang on his every word and treat every pronouncement as if it was delivered by the Almighty His Own Self. Over the years, Limbaugh has discovered the (astonishingly lucrative) secret to appealing to the lowest common denominator: tell a lie with enough passion and conviction, and eventually it will be accepted as the truth.
Rep. Joe Walsh (R-IL): The only combat Walsh has seen are the arguments he’s had with his ex-wife…yet somehow he’s a self-appointed expert on heroism. And he knows that Tammy Duckworth is no hero. OK, so the helicopter she was piloting in Iraq was shot down and she lost both of her legs. And sure, she’s confined to a wheelchair…but does that make her a hero? And won’t she ever stop talking about her service in Iraq??
Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX): The unquestioned Lord and Master of Our American Idiocracy, Gohmert is a walking, talking lunacy machine. He spits out baseless accusations and effortlessly spins fantastical conspiracy theories out of whole cloth. There’s simply no telling what sort of incredible and barely understandable madness will exit Gohmert’s lips next. Evidently born without a filter of any sort, Gohmert will say whatever happens to pop into his pointy little head, regardless of how ignorant or ill-considered it might be. If he’s not the single dumbest member of Congress, that “honor” just might fall to…
Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN): An inveterate baby farmer and born-again, kill-‘em-all-let-God-sort-‘em-out Christian zealot, there’s no accusation to be lobbed at President Obama that’s beyond the pale for Bachmann. She’s accused the President of being responsible for everything from the current recession to the kidnapping of the Lindbergh baby. Bachmann (to my everlasting shame) represents the Congressional district I went to high school in, and people in Minnesota’s Sixth Congressional District love her for her devotion to Jesus, her love of America, and her addiction to highly toxic psychotropic medication. How else could you possibly begin to explain a Congresswoman so willfully and blissfully detached from anything resembling reality?
John Stossel: Stossel just happens to be one of the hardest working people in cable news. What? You think it’s easy being so thoroughly disliked. Hell, no; it takes a lot of time, effort, and just plain hard work to be as arrogant, self-important, self-righteous, and omnipotent as Stossel is convinced he is.
Grover Norquist: The founders of the hilariously-named Americans for tax Reform, Norquist is famous for once saying that he’d like to shrink government to a size where it’s small enough to be drowned in a bathtub. Never mind that government is what separates America from lawless “democracies” like Russia and banana republics just moments away from their next military coup, Norquist is convinced government is the problem. By cajoling almost every Republican in Congress to sign a pledge promising to oppose any and all tax increases, Norquist has managed to figuratively seize lawmakers by their testicles. Nothing can get through Congress these days without Norquist ensuring that it passes his no-tax-increase test. That’s not democracy; that’s tyranny- the very same thing that so many Republicans accuse the President of.
Mitt Romney: It takes cojones the size of watermelons to stand before an NAACP convention and claim how that he’ll be good for African-Americans…AND that he’s going to repeal the Affordable Care Act when he becomes President. Even better, Romney’s clueless, out of touch with everyday Americans, tone-deaf when it comes to messaging, and he lies faster than anyone could possibly fact-check him. That takes no small amount of skill…and an absence of anything resembling compassion and integrity, neither of which have been spotted within a 500-meter radius of Romney. Over the course of this campaign, Romney has taken mendacity to a place where no mere mortal has traveled before…and hopefully never will again.
Bryan Fischer: There are bigots. There are haters. There are blatant, unrepentant homophobes. Few combine all these distasteful qualities with a truly and thoroughly hypocritical brand of Christianity that would leave Jesus Christ gasping for air like Bryan Fischer. Proof that hyper-religiosity and a complete lack of simple human decency can make for some epic, truly world-class dickishness, Fischer is to Christianity what Jeffrey Dahmer was to vegetarianism. If you’re familiar with the teachings of Jesus Christ, just think of the exact opposite…and there you’ll find Bryan Fischer, pontificating and moralizing as if his life depends on it.
Gary Bauer: A contemporary of Fischer, Bauer has developed his own signature brand of hatred and Right-wingnuttery and bigotry that he attempts to sell as Christianity. Oh, but you need to send him money- lots and lots of money- because the forces of Evil (i.e.- godless Liberals) are working overtime to shut him down and destroy his ability to speak the truth. Oh, and he once ran for President. Then again, so did Ross Perot and Lyndon LaRouche.
Frank Gaffney: A living example of the miracle of modern blood-pressure medication, Gaffney is such a walking, talking ball of hatred and outrage that it’s a wonder he doesn’t spontaneously explode. Depending on his mood, he’ll inveigh against homosexuals, Islam, Sharia law, Liberal perfidy, Socialism, “Obamacare,” or combinations of all of the above. Gaffney is one of the few human beings in the world who’s been diagnosed with a condition that would cause him to implode into nothingness should he ever find himself at peace. Rage and hatred seem to literally be what keeps him alive.
Paul Ryan (R-WI): When hypocrisy is morality and morality hypocrisy, you’re undoubtedly talking about Ryan, who is to compassion what Ebenezer Scrooge was before he was force-fed compassion pills, undoubtedly by Liberals. Ryan, who’s spent the past few years channeling Ayn Rand (until it came to light that Rand was completely devoid of compassion and humanity) and attempting to remake government over with her philosophy as a central tenet. Broke? Unemployed? Sick? Too damned bad; pull yourself up by your own bootstrap. Remember, it’s called “natural selection” for a reason, Comrade.
Pamela Geller: Geller is a female version of Frank Gaffney: a festering bag of hate so consumed by calumny and blind rage against anything even remotely Muslim, she could find a way to blame Islamofascism for everything from terrorism to painful rectal itch. And she’s about as warm and fuzzy as a tube of Preparation H. Her blog, Atlas Shrugged is perhaps one of the least lucid works of literature known to mankind. If you overlook the misspelling, the poor grammar, the hatred, and the rage, though, it’s actually rather entertaining.
Nominations are now open for the 2013 WWJD Hall of Shame class. Vote early and often; I’m certain there will be no lack of worthy candidates.
