This is one of those days where I find myself mourning the future of mankind, which appears to be at best bleak, and at worst totally and completely &%$^@# (pardon the language, but what else can you say?). Judging by what follows, I think you’ll agree that the time to lock yourself in your bathroom with a razor blade and a bottle of Southern Comfort is now….
A survey conducted by the National Geographic Channel found that Americans, by a 65%-35% margin, felt that President Obama would handle an alien invasion better than Mitt Romney. Of course, the same survey showed that more Americans would call on The Incredible Hulk to deal with the havoc resulting from an alien invasion over Batman and Superman. Even worse, 55% believe that the characters played by Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones in Men in Black are real. (And you wonder why I use the phrase, “American Sheeple?” Good Lord; we’re not exactly Ph.D. candidates, are we?)
Three words: World Burping Federation. Yes, I realize that most of y’all think I make this stuff up, but the WBF is real. In fact, it just crowned it’s world champion: Tim Janus, a 35-year-old New York pizza chef who set a world record with an 18.1-second burp. I don’t even want to know how that’s possible, because if you think that sounds like a good idea, you have WAY too much time on your hands. Said one Sebastian Rothschild, executive director of the WBF: “The goal of the WBF is to restore burping to a place of respectability in Western culture, and to remove the stigma that has attached itself to this practice during the past millennium.” Right….
Why Does Getting Hit in the Testicles Hurt So Much? : Uh, if you have to ask, you clearly haven’t taken one for the team…and I wouldn’t recommend starting now.
Republican Rep: I Don’t Think Someone Who Is Diagnosed With A Brain Tumor Should Have Health Care Provided: Because how can health insurance providers expect to make money and pay their CEOs the obscene salaries, bonuses, and stock options they expect if they actually have to pay for health care??
Report: Cannibal Cult in Papua New Guinea Killed Seven ‘Evil Sorcerers,’ Used Their Penises to Make Soup: And this is why I never order soup as an appetizer (uh, that’s NOT chicken)….
If you need me, I’ll be in the bathtub channeling Hunter S. Thompson and playing Russian Roulette with five full chambers….
