December 2, 2012 7:57 AM

Prayer didn't work, so the next best thing was to petition the President

We, the Citizens of the Great State of Texas, and Dallas Cowboys fans worldwide, have been oppressed by an over controlling, delusional, oppressive dictator for way too long. Request the Executive Branch’s immediate assistance in removal of owner and GM, Jerry Jones. His incompetence and ego have not only been an extreme disappointment for way too long, but moreover, it has caused extreme mental and emotional duress.

I suppose I should own my prejudice in this case, which is unlikely to surprise anyone who’s hung ‘round my dark, dank corner of da Interwebs for any appreciable length of time. I HATE the Dallas Cowboys with the sort of passion I reserve for things like hatred, bigotry, mushrooms, and the Green Bay Packers. If you wonder (or care) why, I have a very simple answer, and it has to do with the invention of the “Hail Mary” pass.

Harken back to the 1975 NFC Championship game, when a last ditch, last gasp Roger Staubach-to-Drew Pearson pass completion pushed the Cowboys past the Minnesota Vikings. I’ve not yet forgiven Staubach, nor am I likely to, but I’ve learned to live with it. Combine that bitter childhood disappointment with a strong dislike of Jerry Jones, and you can probably understand my antipathy toward “America’s Team.” With that in mind, you can imagine why I take a dim view of Cowboys fans petitioning the President. The petition, filed on the White House’s website under “Human Rights” (??), asks the President to remove Jones from control over the Cowboys organization.

A few thoughts come to mind, none of them particularly charitable. There’s the minor detail that Jones OWNS the Cowboys and that there’s no mechanism for the President (or anyone else) to separate Jones from his business. You may not like that reality, and you may detest Jerry Jones, but your choices are both limited and simple:

  1. swallow your pride and make your peace with Jones, or
  2. find another team to root for (May I recommend the Minnesota Vikings?).

Then there’s the reality that this farcical exercise could be a waste of time, energy, and taxpayer money. The White House has promised to respond to any petition that garners more than 25,000 signatures. If that happens in this case, someone will need to take time that could be better spent elsewhere responding to this absurdity.

We have REAL issues in this country, issue that deserve to be addressed and (hopefully) resolved. This petition (and I don’t know if it’s serious or tongue-in-cheek) is full of sound and fury…and ultimately signifies nothing. Then again, I’m admittedly not the most objective observer when it comes to the Cowboys. The Earth could cleave and swallow Cowboys Stadium hole, and I’d be left with a satisfied smile on my face.

Jerry Jones may well be Satan Incarnate, which means that it’s probably going to be more effective to petition the Vatican. At least the Pope could then intercede with the Almighty, who, if there’s any justice in this world, would wipe the Cowboys from the face of the Earth.

Not that I’m bitter or anything.

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This page contains a single entry by Jack Cluth published on December 2, 2012 7:57 AM.

A lesson I could stand to learn was the previous entry in this blog.

When they were embroiled in the depths of a crisis of faith, Jesus told His disciples to go shopping is the next entry in this blog.

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