(thanks to Kris for this one….)
Some of our crazies we are proud of because they have national entertainment value. Our Republican Rep. Louie Gohmert sees a bright clear line running from gay marriage and bestiality to any attempts at gun control. If you don’t understand that limiting to 10 the number of bullets in a gun’s magazine is a consequence of allowing people of the same sex to be married, you might not live in Gohmert’s district. We are also the state that sent Ted Cruz to the U.S. Senate even as he touted a deep belief in a conspiracy between President Barack Obama and the United Nations to rid America of golf courses and paved roads. Ignorance is often no obstacle to success in Texas. In fact, it might be an advantage.
An advantage? Hell, ignorance might just be a prerequisite for success in Texas.
At times like this, I REALLY miss the late Molly Ivins. A Texas native, Ivins had a knack for putting the sort of lunacy commonly found in Texas into perspective. She also skewered more than her fair share of idiots, bigots, hypocrites, and lunatics…or, as I like to call them, Texas politicians and public figures. Ivins had a knack for picking the wheat from the chaff when it came to Texas-style wingnuttery. No one person could possibly hope to cover the full depth and breadth of the intellectual and moral paucity of Texas politicians and public figures, but Ivins was able to isolate the most entertaining and truly jaw-dropping idiocy extant in the Lone Star State…and she did with humor and without being gratuitously insulting. No mean feat, that.
Even Ivins, as heroically as she endeavored to chronicle the silliness that was part and parcel of public life in Texas, would have struggled to give the current crops of idjits their due. Governor Rick Perry (whom Ivins called “Governor Goodhair”) is a Ph.D.-worthy case study in hyper-religiosity, self-interest, and hypocrisy. The collective brain power of the Texas Congressional delegation couldn’t jump-start a tricycle. When your roster counts the likes of Steve Stockman, John Cornyn, Louie Gohmert, Joe Barton, and Ted Cruz among its “rising stars”…well, you’re in trouble. It wouldn’t be an overstatement to say that none of them are in any danger of winning a Nobel Prize. It’s an open question whether any of them understand that Jesus didn’t ride dinosaurs when he created the Earth 6,000 years ago. Evolution and rational thought are evidently for losers and Liberals…and those unfortunate enough not to reside in God’s Country.
I mean, where else could a Governor demonstrate his leadership skill by holding a statewide day of prayer in a desperate attempt to end a drought…and be taken seriously?
These folks would be funny…if they weren’t deadly serious about turning Texas into a functional dominionist theocracy, a place where White Conservative Christians rule and where women and minorities are by law second-class citizens.
I’d like to believe there’s a form of Texas Tourette syndrome that causes our governmental institutions and some individuals to emit the unspeakable, or take actions that are disconnected from accepted norms of, well, at least the late 20th century.
The list of jaw-dropping ignorance, hyper-relgiosity, and/irrationality is as stunning as it is virtually infinite. Texas is by far the world’s largest comedy gold mine. Late night comedians should be bowing before Rick Perry in abject obeisance and gratitude. If not for him, they might actually have to work to write their jokes. When it comes to Rick Perry and Texas, sometimes the jokes write themselves. Consider some of the highlights that leap to mind, which doesn’t begin to scratch the surface:
- Rick Perry talks seriously about Texas seceding (No one objects, perhaps in the hope that he’d take Oklahoma, Arkansas, and Louisiana with him).
Louie Gohmert believes there’s a straight line that connects bestiality and same-sex marriage to gun control.
John Cornyn compares same-sex marriage to copulating with turtles.
Ted Cruz is convinced that he’s the only thing stopping Barack Obama from becoming a Muslim dictator…right after he helps the U.N. abolish golf courses.
Ezekiel Gilbert was acquitted of murder (unusual for a state infamous for installing an expressway to the electric chair), even though he killed a prostitute who took his $150 and then refused to schtupp him, while
Willie Moore got 50 years in prison for stealing a rack of ribs (Yes, the lesson really IS that barbecue is of higher value in Texas than the life of a woman.).
Who knows what it is that makes Texas so grandiose and grotesque? Perhaps it’s the water. Or the wide open spaces. Or the heat. Or maybe even the armadillos. Whatever the reason, there’s no place on the planet- not even Floriduh- that combines ego, ignorance, hyper-religiosity, intolerance, and misogyny like Texas. Whether it’s politicians, political figures, preachers (whom I’ve left out of this because they deserve a rant all their own), or dumber than dirt criminals, no place on the planet does out of whack as well as Texas.
It’s something to be proud of.
