Last week a friend came to me for some help. She had been asked to give a speech at a wedding and was experiencing a bit of a dilemma. Being short on time and, more importantly, not being a writer, she needed some help. She gave me some ideas, and so I threw something together for her. Of course, I knew nothing of her friends or anything else, but it turns out that my literary contribution turned out to be quite a hit…in that it evidently brought people to tears. I thought I’d share it because, like any insecure, neurotic writer, I’m big on “LOOOKIT!! LOOKITME!!” moments. The names and other identifying items have been changed to protect the innocent.
I’ve been asked to say a few words about my friend Mary Queenofscots. Those of you outside of the roller derby community know her as Mary. Those of us whose passion involves skating in circles and knocking people on their butts know her as Slap Ya Silly. If you’ve ever been hit by Slap, you’ve probably picked yourself up and wondered if anyone got the number of that truck. Then you began asking if anyone has some ibuprofen.
Slap started roller skating when she was two, and I suspect it wasn’t long before she was running into and over her peers. What’s the point of skating if you can’t hit people? With that history, it makes sense Slap loves roller derby; it’s been her outlet, her passion, and her community…and it loves her back. She may knock people down, but if you know anything about roller derby, you understand it’s not for those who bruise easily. You skate in circles, knock people down, and then have a few beers. If derby didn’t exist, Slap would’ve invented it, which would have made her an even bigger superstar than she already is.
I was drawn to Slap because I love roller derby and she’s everything I wanted to be as a derby player- big, tough, strong, and able to skate around, over, and through anyone unfortunate enough to get in her way. I was relentless in working to get her attention, because I wanted to learn from the best. We’ve spent a lot of time together practicing, talking, and hanging out. I’ve come to appreciate her friendship, her passion, and her willingness to share her gift. She’s a talented skater and coach, as well as a caring and committed friend. It’s no exaggeration to call her a superstar- because she’s the sort of person you can count on in competition and in life.
If you were trying to describe Slap to someone who doesn’t know her, you wouldn’t begin with “shy” or “retiring.” On the track she was impossible to miss- a showboater with an outsized personality and the willingness to bust anyone who strayed into her airspace. As a coach, no one would confuse her for the strong, silent type. Whether it was a groups of wreckers- novice derby girls- or girls in the draft program called Fresh Meat, she always begins by asking, “Does anyone here NOT know who I am?” No matter how much I hear that, it always makes me laugh, because of course everyone knows who she is. She’s a superstar.
I came to know Slap as a close friend, but I never knew her to be in a serious relationship until she met Sally. Slap found in Sally someone who loves her completely, unconditionally, and without reservation. That, by any loving and compassionate definition, is a truly wondrous thing to behold.
We’re gathered here today to recognize and celebrate the love and commitment that Mary and Sally share. Unfortunately, Mary’s family has chosen not to share in this celebration. That’s sad and disappointing, but the good news is that her friends, in-laws, and I have become her family. “Family” comes in many forms, and sometimes the closest families aren’t biological. Sometimes the closest families are the ones forged in adversity and challenge and share bonds that transcend blood and a family tree.
A very wise man once said that it’s not important who, how, or why you love; it’s only important that you love. If there’s one thing we can never have too much of, especially in a world where so many live in fear of what they either can’t or refuse to understand, it’s love. And the beautiful thing about love is that there’s no one definition that can be used to explain it. It can be something different to anyone and everyone with an open mind and an open heart.
Those gathered here today understand that love isn’t something that can be fit into a one-size-fits-all box. It’s not about gay, lesbian, straight, or any other label. It’s about finding that person who fills a hole in your life as your fill one in theirs. It’s about finding someone that you want to spend the rest of you life with. It’s about doing the things that most people take as their due- building a life, buying a house, maybe even starting a family. More than anything, it’s about finding someone with whom you can be who you truly are- without fear, reservation, or hesitation.
We’re here today because we understand that love doesn’t have boundaries or rules. Its not about laws, or morals, or religious doctrine. It’s not about judging. It’s not about praying the gay away or living up to the rules and expectations of others. It’s about blazing our own trail and creating a life that has meaning and value in a way that’s unique to each and every one of us. We understand that love, when your heart is open to it, can help create amazing things in our lives. We love, and we’re better, more complete, and happier people for it. That’s what love is about, and that’s what makes this day so special.
My hope and my prayer for Mary and Sally is that the good days will outnumber the bad and that their lives will be richer because of the love they have for each other.
May your time together be long, rich, and fulfilling, and may your days be filled with happiness and joy. You deserve nothing less.
