July 31, 2013 6:05 AM

Today's WWJD tip for the ladies: When in doubt, sleep your way to the top

New details have emerged from a bias lawsuit filed by three former employees of Merrill Lynch against the company, which alleges that during training they were instructed to read a book called “Seducing the Boys Club: Uncensored Tactics From a Woman at the Top” and emulate its advice. The tips in the book, published by New York Magazine’s The Cut, are truly shocking. “I play on [men’s] masculine pride and natural instincts to protect the weaker sex,” says a section of the book advising women on how to get men to do their work. “Unless he is morbidly obese, there is no man on earth who won’t puff up at this sentence: Wow, you look great. Been working out?” suggests a portion on diffusing tense situations.

Ladies, we here at the WWJD Institute for Gender Studies understand what many of you seem unwilling to acknowledge: you’re never going to get anywhere in life without spending some time on your back…or your knees. It’s just a fact of life in a business geared toward the feral competitiveness of men. How’s a girl supposed to level the playing field, you ask? Well, the short and easy answer is to use the tools at your disposal. Those who can harness their feminine wiles to greatest effect will generally be the ones who will eventually end up in the board room.

Let’s face it; men are little more than walking penises, eagerly looking for their next conquest and not particularly interested in weighing the consequences of their actions. When you’re thinking with the wrong head, you’re only interested in one thing: releasing the hostages. A smart and ambitious woman will recognize this and use it to her advantage (if you live here in Portland, see Jeff Cogen and Sonia Manhas). Once a woman has succeeded in reeling in and bagging a powerful (and hopefully married) man, she can then begin plotting how best to climb the corporate ladder…with the assistance and support of her paramour…who understands that she has his testicles in her desk drawer. It takes skill, courage, and the willingness to blow past moral considerations like honesty, integrity, and fidelity, but with preparation (and leverage) a woman can compete with men and just might find herself with her very own empire.

Ladies, you were born with two breasts and a vagina, amiright? Why not put them to use as you compete with men for ever-dwindling opportunities for promotion? You can bet that the men in competition with you will be using every advantage they can find; why shouldn’t you? This is especially true if you’re young and attractive. You already know that every man (and perhaps a few women) in the executive suite want to sleep with you; isn’t it time to use that lust and lack of self-control to your advantage? Try showing up in the very married VP’s office with a smile and a pair of knee pads…and watch your career path take a dramatic turn towards Six Figures and Annual Bonus Land. Or sidle up to the CEO after a long morning meeting and suggest lunch- with room service at a nearby hotel. He’ll be hungry, but you’ll be the only thing on the menu. You can bet he’ll be thinking about the price he’ll have to pay later- if he thinks about it at all.

Remember, morals and scruples might be useful for those of you on the mommy track, but if you have higher goals, you’re going to need to lose the inhibitions and the addiction to integrity and use the weapons at your disposal. Learn to exploit a man’s greatest vulnerability- his inability to say no to his Purple-headed Yogurt Slinger (note: gratuitious Varsity Blues reference), and your career will take you farther than you ever dreamed possible.

You can thank me later.

(Yes, this post has been satirized for your protection.)

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This page contains a single entry by Jack Cluth published on July 31, 2013 6:05 AM.

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