January 10, 2014 8:22 AM

Today in Conservative humor...or what passes for it

Day Two: The idea generator is broken, and my giveadamn has a hitch in its giddyup….

Sometimes, when I find myself somewhat adrift and in the grips of writer’s block, I’ll troll da Interwebs, because no matter how gummed up my creative self may be, there’s ALWAYS something happening online. One of my favorite things is to look for examples of Right-wing humor. I call it “humor,” but the truth is that Conservatives just aren’t funny…even when they trying to be. When they’re just being themselves…well, sometimes it’s a comedy gold mine, even if unintended. (Remember when Dennis Miller used to be funny? Then he decided to come out as a Red Meat Conservative…and smug arrogance supplanted what used to be his razor-sharp, erudite wit. Now he’s just tiresome.)

I enjoy letting the jokes tell themselves, because in many cases there’s really no way to improve them. Enough preliminaries; here’s my thinly-veiled attempt to mask the fact that I have nothing of value to offer. (Besides this gem: Didja know that the late Kim Jong-il’s penis was 40 inches long?)

Enjoy the rich, creamy goodness, eh?

Norquist Tells ALEC He Wants U.S. to Revive Decapitation

During a speech about criminal justice reform earlier this month at the annual American Legislative Exchange Council (ALEC) conference, anti-government crusader Grover Norquist compared criminals to fish caught in a net and exclaimed that he would like to see America revive the practice of beheading convicted killers…. “We gotta fight crime, we gotta have less crime, we have to be more secure in our persons and our property,” he said. “I’m all in favor of chopping the heads off of people who commit murder and putting people in prison for a long, long time. There’s no bleeding heart whatsoever. This is about punishing real criminals and making sure we don’t just toss everybody in the net, the porpoises and the tuna, and treating them all the same.”

I’m not sure anyone really even cares about Grover Norquist anymore, but I do find it amusing that he’s saying we could learn a thing or two from Saudi Arabia. Because our judicial system is JUST. THAT. INFALLIBLE.

I wonder what he’d he say about justice in Texas, which very often depends on the color of your skin and the size of your bank account. Then again, every system has a margin for error, right? So you execute an innocent man now and again. Shouldn’t that be considered the cost of securing the safety of good, God-fearing, Conservative White American patriots?

Fox Business host Stuart Varney: Ice in Antarctica proves ‘global cooling’

Fox Business host Stuart Varney said on Tuesday that his theory of “global cooling” had been proven when a research ship recently got stuck in ice near Antarctica….

“The ship, sent to the Antarctic to study climate change, has been stranded in the ice for 10 days,” Varney noted. “Attempts to rescue the passengers using ice breaker ships failed. Rescuers finally got through using a whopping, great big helicopter that was landing on the supposedly, very thin ice.”

“So, it looks to me like we are looking at global cooling,” he added. “Forget this global warming. That’s just my opinion.”

Evidently, it’s policy at Fox to consider smug arrogance the functional equivalent of empirical science. Varney cites one example (incorrectly) of Antarctica being cold (Gee, who knew?), and suddenly he’s declaring the science behind global climate change to be null and void.

It seems that every time it snows, a few Conservatives trot out the smug arrogance and hold forth on how “global warming” just got disproved. That this only shows how little they truly know about global climate change is something they should be embarrassed about, but when dogma and talking points trump science, what else can you expect?

Texas Congressman Steve Stockman Mocks Gun Deaths On Facebook Post

It’s not that scumbag Tea Party Representative Steve Stockman (R) would need to try hard to hit a new low. The NRA puppet famously invited certified gun nut and washed up rocker Ted Nugent - who is hailed at an American patriot by right-wing gun nuts despite having shit his pants to avoid the draft - as a special guest to watch President Obama deliver his State Of The Union speech in February of 2013. This was after Nugent famously said at an NRA convention in 2012 that he would be “dead or in jail by this time next year” if Obama was re-elected.

Now, Stockman has used his Facebook page to post an image that has caused an online firestorm. The image shows a semi-automatic weapon being lubricated by a can labeled “Liberal Tears.”

It would be difficult to overstate the collective ignorance and sheer bat-shit-craziness of Texas’ Congressional delegation. When you’re competing for attention with the likes of Louie Gohmert and Ted Cruz, it’s easy to be overwhelmed, but Stockman has staked his claim to Teh Crazy. In his case, nothing screams “smug arrogance” more than the image on his Facebook page. Then again, I suppose if you have nothing of value to offer, cheap, gratuitous insults are ALWAYS a good option.

Stockman has already announced that he’ll mount a primary challenge to John Cornyn for Cornyn’s Senate seat. I can hardly wait: “Empty Head” (Stockman) vs. “Empty Suit” (Cornyn). It should be an epic display of vapid, vacuous attempts to pander to Texas’s Red Meat Christocrats.

Anatomy of an Obamacare ‘horror story’

Recently, I have been reading more and more reports regarding “fake Obamacare victims.”

Now I couldn’t help but wonder: Who are these folks in the Star-Telegram story? The paper profiled four people who supposedly had been hurt by Obamacare. When I Googled their names, I soon discovered that three (including Johnson) were Tea Party members.

The paper describes them as among Obamacare’s “losers,” but the truth is that they didn’t want to be winners. Two hadn’t even attempted to check prices in the exchanges.

Meanwhile, it appeared that no one at the Star-Telegram even attempted to run a background check on the sources, or fact check their stories. I couldn’t help but wonder: “Why?”

When you have no argument and the truth doesn’t break to your advantage, you have two options: acquiesce to reality…or lie as if your life depended on it. In the case of the Fort Worth Star-Telegram, they chose Door #2 and passed along a story about Obamacare “victims” that hadn’t been fact-checked, nor had anyone bothered to do background checks on their sources.

For whatever reason, there are those who hate The Black Guy in the White House © so much that they’ll lie, cheat, and steal if that’s what it takes. That truly disturbing aspect of this is that the Star-Telegram couldn’t be bothered to due even the most basic journalistic due diligence.

So much for credible, objective journalism.

Asshole of the Day for January 3, 2014: Bryan Fischer

“We don’t share ancestors with apes and baboons,” he proclaimed. “In fact, I would suggest to you that if a politician, if somebody wants to exercise political power and he is an evolutionist, he is disqualified from holding political office in the United States of America.”

Fischer went on to clarify that he doesn’t think there ought to be a law banning people who believe in evolution from holding office, merely that “that American people shouldn’t vote for them because that guy, if he does not believe that we are created beings and that our rights come to us from God, that man cannot be trusted to protect your civil rights”.

I’ve written at some length about Bryan Fischer, who is the best argument for atheism the Rabid Religious Right has to offer. Arrogant, intolerant, and willing to dismiss and discount anyone who doesn’t share his “kill ‘em & grill ‘em” version of Christianity, Fischer is to Christianity what Ted Bundy was to healthy male-female relationships.

If Bryan Fischer’s a Christian, I’m Cleopatra. The idea that anyone who believes in evolution- an empirically proven concept- is unworthy of holding public office is as offensive as it is arrogant and ignorant. The short version is that Fischer feels America is the exclusive province of Conservative White Christians; all others need not apply. An America like that is not an America I’d care to live in. I don’t think I’m alone in that assessment.

….If you’ve made it this far, you’re in luck, because I’ve saved the “best” for last:

ObamaCare Medical Codes Confirm: Execution by Beheading To Be Implemented in America

A faithful reader sent me a code and asked me to investigate how it ties into the larger scale of things. The specific code sent to me will make any American’s hair stand up on the back of their neck. The code is ICD 9 E 978. After reading this code I decided that it was my duty to investigate further and get to the bottom of why we have a medical code in the United States for “Legal Execution.”….

Why? Well, the “obvious” answer, of course, is that under Obamacare, beheadings will become an accepted means of state-sanctioned execution. This is PROOF that our Kenyan-born, Islamofascist, illegitimate President is determining to put America under Sharia law before he leaves office!! Unless patriotic Americans act know, we’ll be forced to bow to Mecca five times daily and live under a new American Caliphate.

That none of this is true makes not one iota of difference, of course…BECAUSE IT COULD HAPPEN!!

When you hate The Black Guy in the White House © JUST. THAT. MUCH., you want to be certain that you don’t ignore ANY threat to our freedom. Because Mullah Obama and the freedom-hating Libtards are determined to subjugate good, God-fearing American patriots under their godless boot heels.

Wow…I do believe my pointy li’l haid’s ‘bout to ‘splode….

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This page contains a single entry by Jack Cluth published on January 10, 2014 8:22 AM.

Why take responsibility when you can throw someone under the bus? was the previous entry in this blog.

Proof that Ronald Reagan's "trickle-down" theory works is the next entry in this blog.

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