One of the things that’s always held a great deal of fascination for me is humanity’s affinity for stupidity. When I say “stupid,” I’m not talking about your garden-variety low-IQ biped doing charmingly dumb things. No, I’m talking about people you might normally suspect to be reasonably lucid doing things that transcend the merely stupid and descend into the realm of the “what the $#&%??” level of intellectual vacancy.
Quite often, this sort of stupidity is engaged in by well-meaning people who’ve somehow managed to take a reasonable idea to thoroughly unreasonable and unimaginable lengths. For some, it’s the way they manage to get their 15 minutes of fame (or infamy, as the case may be) because of a few moments of brain lock, poor judgement, and/or bad decision-making. For others, it’s because they just don’t have more than a handful of functional brain cells to work with.
Whatever the ingredients, the results can be as entertaining as they are baffling:
Pimp sues Nike for ‘dangerous’ shoes
After brutally beating a man with his Nike Jordan shoes, a pimp filed a $100 million lawsuit against Nike for not providing a warning label that their shoes could be used as a dangerous weapon. In June, Sirgiorgio Sanford Clardy, 26, of Portland, Ore., repeatedly stomped on the face of a client with his Jordan shoes when the man refused to pay Clardy’s prostitute. The man required stitches and plastic surgery after the beating, The Oregonian reports. The newspaper reports that the jury also found Clardy guilty of robbing the man and beating the 18-year-old woman he forced to work as his prostitute; her injuries were so severe that she bled from her ears.
It’s like the old Spike Lee-era Air Jordan ads: “It’s gotta be the shoes, Money!”
Heaven forbid that Clardy should even for a moment consider accepting personal responsibility for his brutal criminal behavior. Really? You stomped on the face of a client when he refused to pay one of your hookers…and it’s Nike who should be held responsible? If only Nike didn’t make shoes that were so easy to use as weapons, amiright?
Dude, how about trying a pair of Birkenstocks? Maybe those will leave you loving your fellow human beings…or at least visiting far less violence upon their faces.
Danish cinnamon rolls too spicy for EU rules
COPENHAGEN, Denmark (AP) — Easy on the cinnamon! That advice from Denmark’s food authority has rankled pastry chefs whose cinnamon rolls were found to violate the European Union’s spice rules.
The Danish Veterinary and Food Administration recently discovered that Danish cinnamon rolls and twists contained more coumarin — a chemical compound in the most common variety of cinnamon — than EU rules allow. Excessive intake of coumarin can cause liver damage.
So the agency asked Danish bakers to reduce the amount of cinnamon they sprinkle in the dough for sweet treats like the “kanelsnegel” (cinnamon roll) and “kanelstang” (cinnamon twist).
Danish bakers protested, saying the EU limit is too strict, and would make it hard, if not impossible, to make their cherished pastries.
Beware the dreaded Danish cinnamon roll! Sure, to the untrained eye it looks like any other cinnamon roll, but unbeknown to pastry lovers, the Danish version can be deadly. Of course, for Danish cinnamon rolls to be anything approaching deadly, you’d have to consume so many that you’d probably die from a sugar overdose long before coumarin ever became a threat to your continued existence.
Wait…the EU has spice rules? What’s next? Rules about the width of waistbands on men’s underwear’s? Or the color and/or flavor of condoms?
Memo to Republicans: When the U.S. government issues rules limiting the amount of spice on Cinnabons, THEN you can begin bitching about government overreach, ‘kay? Until then, just be thankful we’re not subject to EU rules.
Half-Naked Barefoot Woman Does The Smash Dance On Windshield
Victoria Dawn Lohmann, 24, is accused of doing the half-naked waltz on the windshield of a car as two terrified women sat inside.
The unnamed victims pulled into a gas station near Albany, Ore., around 4:35 p.m. on Jan. 4, when Lohmann first approached.
Police say that the two women in the car “rolled up the windows and locked the doors” when they saw Lohmann’s pants drop. Lohmann then ran off, only to return and wreak havoc on the vehicle.
According to a statement from police:
Shortly afterward, the woman, later identified as Victoria Dawn Lohmann, age 24, from Aumsville, returned to the disabled vehicle and got on top of the hood, where she jumped up and down as the two women inside were on the phone to report the incident to 911. Lohmann then jumped onto the windshield, caving it inward then jumped down and ran across Interstate 5.
When you’re sitting in your car at a gas station and a woman nearby drops her pants, you can rest assured that what’s about to happen is nothing you’re going to want to be a part of.
In Ms. Lohmann’s case, who knows what was going through her pointy li’l hair? The fact that police found a “suspected controlled substance” on her only enhances the entertainment value of this story, no? Sometimes, it’s just not stupid enough unless alcohol or a “suspected controlled substance” is involved.
Party on….
‘HANOI JANE’ FACES TOILET ATTACK BY RELENTLESS MILITARY VETERANS!
When reader BILL MARTIN responded to my recent scoop about a huge guy confronting “Hanoi Jane” Fonda outside the BevHills Hotel and screaming “traitor,” he wrote: “I served in Vietnam… and in my opinion, JANE FONDA is a traitor.”
Bill added that when he visited a VFW (Veterans of Foreign Wars) club in Florida, he “chuckled” because “the strainer in the urinal in the men’s room was a picture of Hanoi Jane!”
Well, Fellow Vet, I chuckled, too, figuring you must be joking - until I investigated and discovered a mind-blowing fact: In men’s rooms all over this great land of ours, military veterans with long…er, don’t get ahead of me here, folks…with long memories, are aimed at drowning that disgusting memory of “Hanoi Jane” perched on a Viet Cong cannon aimed at killing U.S. GI’s!
NO JOKE, folks - pissed-off patriots can order these hilarious Fonda-drowners and target the face you love to hate at www.PeePeeFace.com[.]
I get that Vietnam Vets had reason to be upset with Fonda for her trip to North Vietnam during the war. Her actions were, and remain, difficult to defend, much less understand. Perhaps she thought she was doing the right thing. Who knows what was going through her mind then? Let’s put that aside for just a moment and consider one salient fact- IT WAS 40 YEARS AGO!!! Isn’t it about time to let it go, to stop living in the past and live in the here and now?
If some Vietnam Vets insist on hanger onto their anger and bitterness after so much time has passed, that’s on them. Perhaps they think that peeing on a representation of Fonda’s face is actually accomplishing something concrete. In reality, it’s just feeding into their anger, bitterness, and sense of victimhood. After 40 years, isn’t it time to be done with it?
You know what, guys? What Fonda did was as ill-advised as it was insulting…but how many of you have done things that you regret? I think you might find that a little forgiveness of what happened some 40 years ago might just show you to be the better person.
Or you can hang onto your anger and bitterness…and remain mired in the past. Your choice.
Crazy Aerosol Challenge Has Teens Burning Themselves with Sprays Just for Kicks
There’s always some weird teenage trend or the other doing the rounds online. The latest one has kids spraying aerosol deodorant on to their skin at an extremely close range. They film themselves performing the ridiculous stunt, to see who can endure it the longest.
Teenagers all over the world have been taking part in the bizarre aerosol challenge. They’ve been putting up the videos on YouTube and other social networking sites. In some extreme videos, kids spray each other until angry red blisters appear on their skin. In worst cases, severe scarring could cause permanent damage.
As with all other teenage trends, experts are expressing their outrage against the aerosol challenge. According to a spokesperson from the British Skin Foundation, the craze could be both painful and damaging. “The British Skin Foundation would never encourage the use of any aerosol product in close proximity to the skin for a prolonged period. These products should be used appropriately and responsibly as extended use can lead to the freezing action producing a cryogenic burn,” the spokesperson said.
Hey, guess what?? Teenagers are doing some really stupid shit because they’re bored.
Yeah, who knew? Just as teenagers have been doing since the dawn of time, some of them are deeply involved in doing things that are stupid, dangerous, destructive, or combinations of those things. There’s nothing new or particularly unusual about this sort of behavior, of course. Teenagers are by definition more often than not heavily involved with finding new and different ways to put their safety and/or health in peril. When you think you’re indestructible, it’s what happens. It’s what they do.
Sure, no one wants to see teenagers engaging in stupid behavior like the aerosol challenge. Before this, though, there was the cinnamon challenge, and before that there was car surfing, and…well, you get where I’m headed with this, right? Adults can step in to stop this behavior, but the reality is that teenagers will simply move on- quite possibly to something even more dangerous and/or stupid.
‘Secrets Of The Living Dolls’ Documentary Sheds Light On Men Who Wear Women ‘Second Skins’
A new British documentary, “Secrets Of The Living Dolls,” follows several “maskers” who dress up as ladies in fake rubber skin. It makes them look, as Gawker aptly describes it, like female sex dolls.
The UK’s Channel 4 tries to explain what the video above does not:
This eye-opening documentary delves into the secretive world of “female masking,” where men transform themselves into dolls by squeezing into a second skin.
Female maskers, also known as “dolls,” are a hidden community of ordinary family men who lead extraordinary double lives, dressing up in elaborate rubber suits as they strive to become their own ideal fantasy woman. There are thousands of female maskers all over the world, but most have kept their secret behind closed doors.
Strange sexual fetishes are a phenomenon as old as human kind. Once Adam discovered that putting his erect penis into Eve’s vagina and moving vigorously could be all kinds of fun, human beings have been looking for ways to enhance the sexual experience. I never cease to be amazed at the variety of ways that the human sexual response can be twisted and adapted, sometimes into things that defy rational explanation. One person’s sick, twisted depravity is what gets another person “in the mood.” We may not understand, but then we don’t have to.
I’ll admit that dressing up like female sex dolls impresses me as being somewhat (OK, VERY) creepy. Still, in the spirit of “live and let live,” who am I to deny someone the right to get their jollies if it’s done in a way that causes no harm? It’s not what you or I might choose to do, but if someone else gets off by dressing like a female sex doll…well, whatever gets you through the night….
