January 3, 2014 7:59 AM

Today on "Great Moments in Small Penises"....

The gunmaker Mossberg has teamed with Duck Commander, the company owned by “Duck Dynasty’s” Robertson clan, to release nine different shotguns, as well as two semiautomatic rifles and a semiautomatic pistol…. The “Duck Commander Series” of 12 weapons is largely what you’d expect: shotguns buried in so much matte hunter camouflage paint, it looks like Jackson Pollock vomited on them after a week of experimenting with veganism. The weapons are also stamped with the mantra: “Faith. Family. Ducks.” They also all come with “An American Flag bandana, like the one worn by Willie” on the family’s A&E show.

When I read this story, my first thought was, “Who says bigotry, homophobia, and hyper-religiosity don’t sell in America?” If you happen to drag your knuckles on the Far Right end of the political/ideological spectrum, there seems to be no limit to what you can achieve if you happen to have the ear of the Fox News generation. Make a name for yourself as part of a clan of faux Redneck swamp dwellers with a taste for young ‘uns and Jesus…and you can do no wrong. Yes, no matter what kind of hateful ignorance you happen to endorse and espouse, there will be no lack of fine, upstanding White Conservative Christian patriots who will go to the mat to protect your absolute right to establish your Redneck bona fides. Because it’s all about God, Guns, and (hate the) Gays.

The truth is that love, peace, and understanding are very good things that frankly pay miserably. The news that Mossberg, a Connecticut-based gun maker known in shooting circles for its shotguns, was rolling out their “Duck Commander Series” is just one more nail in the coffin of civility and tolerance. The lesson to be learned from this is that wishing for peace on Earth is all well and good, but if you want the endorsement deals, you’d best proudly stand up for traditional ‘Murrican values.

You know what I’m talking about…White Jesus, White Men, “marriage” means “one man, one woman,” and “liberal” is code for “child-raping, Sharia-loving perverts.” Yep, that’s pretty much what ‘Murrica stands for these days.

The best part is Mossberg’s set of rollout commercials, in which Phil and the brood ritualistically prepare for their exodus into the field and the subsequent duck kills, with pacing and music that conjures images of Kurtz in Apocalypse Now. In one, the old man fuses his mystical first hunting experience with a Bible believer’s intelligent design argument: “Where there’s design, there is a Designer. We were designed to kill ducks.”

In another, shown above, the old man reflects on American freedom and its sanctioning of a free man’s right to pursue happiness. “Do you know what makes me happy, ladies and gentlemen?” he asks. “To blow a mallard drake’s head smooth off.”

Youbetcha…because what says “I’m proud to be an American” more than using what might arguably be designed as assault weapons “to blow a mallard drake’s head smooth off?” Nothing makes the baby Jesus happier than the ritualistic killing of His creatures for “sport.” It says to right their in the Bible, don’tchaknow?

I grew up hunting; between that and my military service, I know my way around firearms…and I can’t begin to figure out how one could use a small-caliber version of the AR-15 to hunt ducks:

Or, even better, Mossberg’s pistol version of the AR-15. I suspect just looking at it is enough to give millions of gun nuts a case of premature ejaculation:

THOSE are duck hunting weapons?

The surprising aspect of Mossberg’s new Duck Commander-themed weaponry is that they’re not even particularly well-suited for their advertised purpose. I mean, who goes duck hunting with a .22 caliber anything? You’d be better off taking on a squad of Russian Spetsnaz troops with a pack of Cub Scouts armed with ice cream sandwiches.

Hmm…could this be just another marketing ploy by the Death Merchants the gun industry to put as much firepower in the hands of Americans as they possibly can? Are Americans Just. That. Stupid. (rhetorical question alert) that they’d fall for such a shameless ploy designed to sell weapons of spectacularly dubious utility for their advertised purpose?

Here’s a hint: No one ever has (or ever will) have to declare Chapter 7 because they underestimated the ignorance and intellectual malleability of the knuckle-dragging masses. The American Sheeple really are Just. That. Stupid.

Who knew?

As CNN puts it: “The pistol and one of the rifles have military-style designs with large capacity magazines holding at least 25 rounds. The rifle has some of the features of an assault rifle, but with a relatively low .22 caliber.” See? It’s got small rounds that are no good for duck hunting or mass-killing, we swear. How many useless guns can we put you down for?

Perhaps focusing on these assault-style military-patterned weapons is unfair to the Duck Dynasty boys. After all, you can kill a lot of innocent human beings with a shotgun, too.

If you’re not target shooting, there’s really only one other use for a .22 caliber firearm- killing human beings. If you’re planning on hunting ducks with a .22 caliber rifle, be certain you have alternate plans for dinner, because it’s unlikely duck will be on the menu.

Mossberg is free to advertise its products, however poorly designed they may be. And they’re certainly free to spread their money around as they see fit. We’re also free to draw our own conclusions regarding where Mossberg stands on social issues. That they’re marketing weaponry around the Robertson clan should tell you all you need to know. Remember, freedom of speech is really only meant for and available to reliably Conservative White Christians. Freedom of religion means the right to celebrate Christianity as Social Conservatives deem appropriate. And the right to bear arms means that Jesus intended for Americans to have the right to bear any sort of weaponry they see fit to own.

What better way to compensate for one’s “shortcomings,” eh?

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This page contains a single entry by Jack Cluth published on January 3, 2014 7:59 AM.

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