Residents of Philadelphia can finally relax: A man accused of being the city’s famed Swiss cheese f——r has reportedly been arrested. Officers from Philadelphia’s Special Victims Unit reportedly arrested Chris Pagano—who was rumored to be the cheese masturbator—on Thursday morning.
I have no idea how I missed this one last week, but it’s good to know that the good, God-fearing citizens of Philadelphia are now free from the reign of terror spread by the now-infamous “Swiss Cheese Masturbator.” Yes, you read that correctly…and I suppose you still think I make this stuff up, right?
For years now, no dairy section in any Philadelphia area grocery store has been safe from Pagano’s strange predilection. Police haven’t announced how they finally corralled Pagano and took him off the streets, but unconfirmed reports have said that his perversion had escalated. Evidently, he was spotted trying to have something resembling sexual relations with a Philly cheesesteak sandwich. The woman who called police must have flipped out when she saw what Pagano was planning to do with the onions on the sandwich.
And the story gets even weirder and more perverted…as if that’s even possible:
Court documents revealed that Pagano was arrested in 2009 after he allegedly “removed a large block of cheese from his pocket” and offered a woman on the street “$20 to rub the Swiss cheese on his penis.” Pagano pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct, and a solicitation charge against him was dismissed.
Yep, turns out that this wasn’t Pagano’s first creepy rodeo. It’s a downward spiral for him, but with the “Swiss Cheese Masturbator” now safely ensconced in a Philly jail cell, Swiss cheese aficionados throughout the metropolitan area can breathe easy. Yes, it’s once again safe to have a Reuben sandwich in Philadelphia. At least for the time being no one’s going to be asking women to watch them apply dairy products to their Johnson…and for that I suppose women owe a debt of gratitude to the Philadelphia Police Department.
Except that I’ll never be able to look at a slice of Swiss cheese in quite the same way again….
