January 12, 2014 7:26 AM

Today's nominee for Headline of the Year (plus some worthy bonus coverage)

Cormac McCarthy’s Ex-Wife and the Vagina Holster

One Jenny McCarthy (not this Jenny McCarthy, but rather, the ex-wife of Pulitzer Prize-winning writer Cormac McCarthy) has been arrested on charges of aggravated assault following a “domestic dispute over space aliens,” during which she allegedly “pointed a silver handgun at her boyfriend,” the silver handgun being “a weapon she retrieved from her vagina.”…. According to police reports, this Jenny McCarthy, a New Mexico painter and sculptor…got into a non-specific argument about space aliens…. During the exchange, McCarthy went into her bedroom and emerged wearing lingerie. Her boyfriend probably thought, Oh, great! Reconciliation sex time? Sorry for being skeptical of your out-of-body experience, hon, until McCarthy pulled a Smith & Wesson out of her vagina, proceeded to “have inner course [sic] with the gun” while asking her boyfriend, “Who is crazy, you or me?”

I’ll grant you that some of the stuff I write about may seem difficult to believe, but I really don’t make stuff up. I may be many things, but a storyteller isn’t on the list. Besides, how could anyone possibly come up with something so…out there?

I know it’s only mid-January, but this one’s going to be tough to beat.

Tennessee man runs for governor in GOP primary for right to shower with his raccoon

A Tennessee man has announced he is running for governor in the Republican primary after the state refused to return his pet raccoon.

Mark “Coonrippy” Brown, a licensed firearm dealer, told The Tennessean that his bid for office was “all about the raccoon.”

Videos of the 56 year old showering and dancing with his pet raccoon, Rebekah, have gone viral over the last year.

But in August, Rebekah was accused of attacking chickens at a local high school and was seized the Tennessee Wildlife Resources Agency. Brown has been fighting for her ever since, even being featured on CNN host Anderson Cooper’s RidicuList.

OK, so it’s Tennessee, and it would be easy to consider this typical redneck behavior. Then Mr. Brown decides he wants to run for governor because he can’t shower with his pet raccoon, and it becomes something even weirder by several orders of magnitude.

So, ‘coons, guns, and politics? Yep, sometimes the jokes write themselves, knowhutimean?

Sorority Girl Gets Back at Two-Timing Frat Bro By Shitting in His Bed

Hell hath no feces like a sorority girl scorned.

A University of Alabama frat bro may just dance with the one he brung from now on after an attempt to switch partners mid-dip ended in disaster for his beloved bedroom.

A Total Frat Move reader wrote in to the site with a particularly nasty tip about an unforgettable memento left behind in the bro’s boudoir by the spurned sorority girl.

“A Beta took a chick home last night then ditched her to apparently hook up with another girl,” the unnamed tipster wrote to TFM. “The original girl wasn’t too happy so she took a shit on his chair then wiped with his comforter….”

I realize that college is considered to be a time for experimentation- trying new things, testing your boundaries, etc. That’s what explains things like “lesbians until graduation,” “beer bongs,” and a myriad of other behavior not normally engaged in by otherwise staid, mature adults. Still, defecating on someone’s bed as payback takes the whole “experimentation” thing to a whole ‘mother level, knowhutimean?

This makes me feel SO much better about not going to a college with fraternities or sororities.

Armed Minnesota man burns down his own house, then blames Obama

A Minnesota man is in custody on charges of arson after police say that he set fire to his house and then blamed President Barack Obama and the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA).

Patch reported that fire was reported coming from the Minnetonka home of 49-year-old Ronald Gary Bailey after 9 p.m. on Dec. 1.

According to court records, Bailey asked firefighters responding to the call when they would be finished putting out the blaze so that he could “start the rest of my house on fire.”

But by the time that firefighters had extinguished the fire, the home had been destroyed. Standing at the end of his driveway, Bailey explained to them: “You should know, you did this, the CIA implanted a computer in my brain and body.”

Sometimes I find myself wondering if there’s anything Barack Obama ISN’T responsible for? What’s next- holding him responsible for the Cold War? JFK’s Assassination? The Lindbergh kidnapping?

Regardless of how intensely partisan one might be, the odds that the President- regardless of party- is personally responsible for your sorry lot in life are about the same as you winning the lottery or waking up next to Scarlett Johansson.

Teenager Stabs Mother, Slices Off His Penis While High on Meow Meow

Last month, a 19-year-old college student reportedly stabbed his mother before slicing off his own penis while high on a synthetic drug called mephedrone, better known to the kids as “Meow Meow.” Police found the teenager with his penis, or what was left of it, dangling out a window, spraying blood everywhere.

Today’s cringeworthy moment is brought to you by Meow Meow. Meow Meow: what discriminating college students use when they, for reasons known only to themselves, decide they no longer need their penis.

I suppose this should be filed under “Going to college doesn’t necessarily mean you’re smart.” How else could you begin to explain a young man getting high and then slicing off his penis? That’s going to be a difficult thing to explain when, down the road, he meets a nice girl, and when intimacy comes into the picture…well, it’s going to make for a VERY awkward conversation.

“Well…you see, what happened was….”


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This page contains a single entry by Jack Cluth published on January 12, 2014 7:26 AM.

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