Father’s Day has always been a tough day for me, and for a lot of complicated and highly emotional reasons. At this point in my life, it’s a day that highlights the choices I’ve made in my life and the consequences that have followed closely behind. I’ve made my peace with that, but sometimes I finding myself wondering, “What if…?”
I knew when I was a teenager that I never wanted to have children. I can’t fit my therapist’s couch in this space, so I’ll just say I had my reasons…and there were also other things I wanted to do with my life. Like any decision we make, there were consequences. Because I’ve never had children, I’ve been able to do something pretty amazing things I never could have done if I was raising a family. I’ve lived and worked in three war zones, I’ve almost been shot by a Turkish soldier, and I came far closer than I would have liked to dying while climbing Mt. Hood. The down side is that I’ve no one in my life who calls me “Dad.” I’ll never attend my child’s graduation, I’ll never walk my daughter down the aisle at her wedding, nor will I experience the joys of being a grandparent. Life is full of decisions and consequences, and along the way I’ve learned the key is to make sound decisions and accept the consequences without regret. I knew what I’d be missing when I made my decision…but that’s not to say that I don’t wonder what my life would have been like if I’d chosen differently.
I don’t regret not having children…but I frequently wonder what kind of father I’d have been. That will always be the great unanswered question of my life, and while I have no regrets, I know that it will forever be with me. I’m fortunate in that Erin has six nieces and nephews, so at family functions we’re surrounded by children…and they go home with someone else.
Because of my family circumstances, Father’s Day is something I don’t share with my own father. With that in mind, I hope you’ll make my Father’s Day a better one by having a joyous and meaningful one yourself.
Happy Father’s Day, y’all….