FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
THE WHITE HOUSE
WASHINGTON, DC
President Mitt Romney announced today that the American government has traded five accused Taliban fighters, a minor-league bomb maker, and two terrorists to be named later for the immediate release of Army SGT Lex Luthor.
In June, 2009, SGT Luthor wandered away from Camp Bamalamadingdong in Afghanistan’s Swat Vally in search of a late-night snack. Luthor’s absence was discovered at morning formation the next day. His platoon mates found Luthor’s weapon, his clothing, and a stack of Captain America comic books at the base perimeter, along with footsteps indicating he’d wandered barefoot into the Afghan countryside through a minefield.
For the past five years, brave American soldiers left no stone unturned in their search for SGT Luthor. Within a week of Luthor’s disappearance, the Taliban released a video claiming they’d captured him and were holding him blindfolded and bound in a room with 72 virgins. They demanded 50 lbs. of Texas barbecue and four pair of Yankees’ season tickets in exchange for his safe release. Negotiations waxed and waned, but President Romney’s commitment to our troops and his refusal to give up hope led to a successful resolution. The prisoner exchange took place early this morning at the Kandahar Dairy Queen after Special Forces soldiers agreed to buy the Taliban fighters two dozen Dilly Bars and six Oreo Blizzards to go.
Republicans in Congress lined up quickly to praise President Romney, citing his willingness to do whatever it took to bring SGT Luthor home to with his family. Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) issued the following statement:
For the past five years, the family and loved ones of SGT Lex Luthor, along with all right-thinking Americans, have prayed for his safe return. Thanks to the strong, insightful, and inspired leadership of President Romney, SGT Luthor can return to his hometown in Idaho to be hailed as a hero…after his appearance on Fox and Friends and prime time interview with Bill O’Reilly. While some Liberal anti-American troop haters may have wondered if Luthor should be executed for treason and desertion, I believe that five years with the Taliban is punishment enough. SGT Luthor should be celebrated as the hero we Conservative war hawks need him to be.
A grateful nation welcomes SGT Lex Luthor home with open arms, and no expense or effort will be spared to help him readjust to life as a free man…because, like any good, patriotic, God-fearing Christian American, we love our troops…as long as they can be exploited for political gain.
President Romney also issued a short statement, stating that he’s planning to postpone his victory lap in order that SGT Luthor be allowed the opportunity to enjoy the limelight and bask in the adulation of a grateful nation. The statement also indicated that SGT Luthor has been invited to deliver the keynote address at the 2016 Republican Convention. He’s also been asked to share the dais at next year’s Conservative Leadership Conference and the Value Voters Summit with Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN), Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX), and Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX).
Requests for press availability for SGT Luthor should be directed to Sean Hannity’s booking agent at Fox News Channel.
