For connoisseurs of WTF—I’m looking at you trolls—there is but one ur-text, the guiding document from which all others emanate, and are compared to. And though it is based on immutable laws of nature and God, it is nevertheless a living document too, revised every couple years by a gathering of wise men and women, who puzzle and debate over the text with the passion and intensity of a gathering of Talmudic scholars. I am of course referring to the Texas Republican Party platform.
One of the things I truly, deeply miss about Texas is the Lone Star State’s hyper-religious, uber-Jesus-y, disturbingly self-righteous, and preternaturally unbalanced GOP. The Texas Republican Party is a thing of beauty to behold…and by “beauty,” I mean “crazier than a March hare gobbling peyote buttons in the middle of I-10 during rush hour.”
For reasons I’m afraid I don’t fully understand, Texas Republicans feel the need to codify their lunacy in the guise of a political platform…or as you and I might refer to it, a suicide note. If you’re one who appreciates a good “WTF???” moment now and again, you’d best steel yourself against the coming deluge. The 2014 Texas Republican Party platform is the sort of thing that in a blue state like California or New York would get the authors a date with a straitjacket and several rounds of Thorazine. Given what’s contained in the platform, if I was an author, I’d demand that you swallow your copy once you’ve read it…and good luck digesting it. It’s not fit for human consumption.
It’s difficult to know where to begin, because the platform is chock-full of gems (i.e.- “fodder for late-night comedians”). How about we start with global climate change while tuning the fiddle we’ll be using when Austin burns?
While we all strive to be good stewards of the earth, “climate change” is a political agenda which attempts to control every aspect of our lives. We urge government at all levels to ignore any plea for money to fund global climate change or “climate justice” initiatives.
As any good, god-fearing Texan knows, the best way to fix “climate change” is to ignore it, because, since only 97% of scientists agree that global “climate change” is a problem, there’s no scientific consensus, so it will surely go away on its own.
And then there’s the dreaded Agenda 21, in which George Soros, the UN, the World Health Organization, the Trilateral Commission, and the World Bank conspire to force Americans to get rid of their golf courses.
The Republican Party of Texas should expose all United Nations Agenda 21 treaty policies and its supporting organizations, agreements and contracts.
And the hits just keep on coming:
We oppose use of a national or international core curricula in the State of Texas (i.e. Common Core, CSCOPE, UN Inclusion, etc.)
Because who needs edumication, anyway?? Wee has Jeezus!! If it doesn’t involve the Bible, our children don’t need to know it.
Return the appointment of U.S. Senators by the State Legislatures.
Because democracy is SO unreliable, knowhutimean?? Sometimes, Liberals get elected (GASP!! OMG!! WHAT ABOUT OUR POOR, PRECIOUS CHILDREN??), and that makes the Baby Jesus cry.
Socialism breeds mediocrity. America is exceptional. Therefore, the Republican Party of Texas opposes socialism, in all of its forms.
Because ‘Merica is #1, dammit…and those who don’t believe it should get their asses kicked and shipped to Gitmo!
Charity is socialism, and only encourages dependence. Besides, if we’re donating money to “worthy” causes, how are we to weed out the sick, the lazy, and the unemployable?
And then there’s THE GAY, which every good Christian Texan knows is icky, against God’s will, and just plain wrong:
Homosexuality must not be presented as an acceptable alternative lifestyle, in public policy, nor should family be redefined to include homosexual couples. We believe there should be no granting of special legal entitlements or creation of special status for homosexual behavior, regardless of state of origin.
If, God forbid, a Texan gets infected with THE GAY and forsakes their traditional values (marriage, which is sacred before God Almighty, is One Man, One Woman…and a 50% chance of divorce), they can always be retrained away from the “homosexual lifestyle.” Because the only way to defeat THE GAY is to pray for the person infected and offer them treatment which will allow them to loathe themselves and come back to Jesus.
Additionally, we oppose any criminal or civil penalties against those who oppose homosexuality out of faith, conviction, or belief in traditional values. We recognize the legitimacy and value of counseling which offers reparative therapy and treatment to patients who are seeking escape from the homosexual lifestyle. No laws or executive orders shall be imposed to limit or restrict access to this type of therapy.
Of course, the Texas Republican Party Platform is heavy on equality, especially for the little ladies, who are free to choose…the husband and master of their choice. If God had meant for women to exercise authority, don’tcha think He would given them a penis?
We strongly support a women’s [sic] right to choose to devote her life to her family and children.
Any Texas worthy of the name hates the UN, because it stands for black helicopters, George Soros, and One World Government. It’s important to remember than ANYTHING the UN does, no matter how outwardly useful it may seem, is inherently evil and designed to undermine faith in our Lord Jesus Christ. This is especially true of the UN Treaty on the Rights of the Child, which has been signed by every nation except Somalia, South Sudan…and the United States. Lord knows we don’t want the UN telling us how to raise up our children. If we can’t exploit them for cheap labor, why would you even have children in the first place?
Besides, if children were meant to have rights, they’d be adults, amiright??
We unequivocally oppose the United States Senate’s ratification of the United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child.
The miracle, I suppose, is that the 2014 Texas Republican Party platform isn’t written in crayon, but the thought processes involved in writing the platform couldn’t have risen above second grade level. The worst part is the platform is a serious document, written by people who clearly take themselves VERY seriously. Texas Republicans actually WANT TO SEE THE PLATFORM COME TO LIFE. This is not some Pre-K watercoloring exercise; these are the expectations the loons carry with them and what they’re working to codify into statute law.
If you wanted to find a political platform grounded in Conservative Christianity, homophobia, ignorance, sexism, misogyny, and fear-mongering, the 2014 Texas Republican Party Platform has all of that…and SO much more. If you’re looking for a minority group or a class of people to hate and/or live in mortal fear of, you couldn’t do much better.
Yes, I do miss Texas from time to time; political machinations here in Oregon are about as exciting as watch the office Coke machine being restocked.
