September 14, 2014 2:41 PM

If my penis is on loan from God, can I exchange it for a bigger one?

The first thing to know about your penis is, that despite the way it may see, it is not your penis. Ultimately, God created you and it is his penis. You are simply borrowing it for a while. While His penis is on loan you must admit that it is sort of just hanging out there very lonely as if it needed a home, sort of like a man wondering the streets looking for a house to live in. Knowing that His penis would need a home, God created a woman to be your wife and when you marry her and look down you will notice that your wife is shaped differently than you and makes a very nice home.

My argument with Mark Driscoll, the leader of the Mars Hill Church, is no different than my objections to so many other Conservative Christian leaders. Yes, the man’s a 24-karat troglodyte, but Conservative Christians tend to believe their flavor of Imaginary Friend is the One, True, and ONLY Supreme Being. Religious intolerance and bigotry? Yawn…been there, seen that. As someone who doesn’t believe in God, the odds of anything Driscoll preaches impacting me directly is about the same as me getting the lead in a remake of “La Cage aux Folles.”

That said, Driscoll’s theology can at time be something of a comedy gold mine, albeit an unintended one from his perspective. Women as “penis homes?” It sure was nice of God to design women as the place a man’s penis can go when it wants to come in out of the cold, eh? Yes, it most surely was.

The down side to Driscoll’s convenient theory is that it holds women to be the property of men, even before marriage…because every woman is some man’s future wife. Therefore, no woman can be viewed as capable of functioning on her own as an independent being. Women, who by define “belong” to a man, whether in the present or in the future, shouldn’t be making decisions about their lives without the input/permission of their man.

Paul tells us that your penis actually belongs to your wife, and once you are married she will trade you it for her home (I Corinthians 7:4), and every man knows this is a very good trade for him to make.

With his penis, the man is supposed to learn to please his wife and learn how to be patient, self-controlled and be educated on how to keep his home happy and joyous (I Corinthians 7:3). The man should be aroused by his new home, and the wife should rejoice at seeing his penis rise to greet her (Song of Songs 5:14b).

Yes, a woman’s responsibility is to provide a home for her man’s penis, to keep it satisfied, and to rejoice when her man has an erection. Evidently, the man’s responsibility is to show up. Preferably with an erection. Then matters will take their natural course…and everyone goes away happy, right?

Driscoll’s theology is not altogether different from that of so many Evangelicals, who define the man and his needs as primary and the woman as secondary and responsible for meeting the needs of her man. A woman is defined by her ability to sublimate her needs to that of her husband, ensuring that his every need is met with joy and enthusiasm. That this theology was developed and propagated by men should shock no one. Women were created to satisfy men, and so their worth begins and ends there.

The wonder is that women- even evangelicals- put up with being categorized and regarded as second-class citizens and the property of men. Almost as amazing is that Christians can listens to troglodytes like Driscoll with a straight face. I have to think that is Jesus is real, he’s sitting in front of a Corona and enjoying what can only be described as a face plan moment.

blog comments powered by Disqus

Technorati

Technorati search

» Blogs that link here

About this Entry

This page contains a single entry by Jack Cluth published on September 14, 2014 2:41 PM.

Fun with colors was the previous entry in this blog.

Wait...the President speaks to God through a hairdryer?? is the next entry in this blog.

Find recent content on the main index or look in the archives to find all content.

Contact Me

Powered by Movable Type 6.0.2