October 10, 2014 8:01 AM

Back to the future

If there’d been a caption contest for this, the winner would have been “MÖTLEY CRÜE” ;-)

I’m trying to get back into the normal rhythm of life after being in Minnesota for a week…and it’s proving to be somewhat challenging. I’d been so excited (and nervous) about the trip for so long that I’ve almost forgotten what it’s like to not be nervous. It’s a good problem to have; I feel as if a weight’s been liter off me.

I went to Minnesota with a few goals, and I returned home to Portland having accomplished everything I’d hoped to…and then some. Honestly, it was better than I’d had any reason (and perhaps right) to expect. After so many years of enforced (on my part) estrangement, I wasn’t sure how I’d be received, but in the end I discovered I’d been concerned about something that existed only in my mind.

I’m the oldest of four children- all boys- in a family that’s not been particularly close (or even communicative) over the years. Before this past weekend, the entire family hadn’t been in the same place since 1989. Over the past 20 years, I’d seen members of my family perhaps two or three times. Imagine my trepidation, then, when I headed back for a family reunion in Minnesota. I had no idea what to expect or how I’d be received. Turns out I fretted for naught.

Perhaps we’ve all grown up, or perhaps we just collectively decided to stop living in the past. Whatever the reason(s), I had two great days with the people who knew me back when. We’ve all had our issues and challenges, but we seem to have arrived at a place where we can appreciate each other for who we are now. To say that was as reassuring as it was unexpected would be something of an understatement. I suppose when there’s been little communication for two decades it’s easy to assume the worst of everyone involved. In the case of my family, my default was to assume the worst…which in the end proved to be as unfair to them as it was to me.

In the end, no matter how far afield I traveled, there I was. And so was the rest of my family, which I can say that I finally recognize to be a good thing. Better late than not at all….

Two of my brothers are grandparents. One just had a pacemaker implanted. None of us are getting any younger. Perhaps that’s why we stopped being angry and found a way to truly enjoy each other’s company. Whatever the reason(s), it feels good to realize that I have a family again. Perhaps it would be better stated to say that it’s good to realize that I can stop being on the defensive and assuming the worst…because there’s no longer any reason or need for me to hang onto that. We’re never going to be the tightest or most communicative family, but we have a shot at being a part of one another’s lives to whatever degree may be possible…which is more than we had prior to last weekend.

For my part, I’ve had to come to grips with the truth that the biggest reasons for my estrangement from my family were my own demons. I’ve maintained that separation primarily because of my own anger and fear, which over the years settle into a comfortable (if not enjoyable) familiarity. I’m not going to accept 100% of the responsibility, because we all played a role, but I’d be less than honest not to recognize and admit to contributing more than my fair share to the collective alienation.

Seeing my parents again convinced me that we’re not going to be a whole family indefinitely. Part of the reason I pushed for this reunion was the knowledge that my parents are in their mid-70s…and the rest of us certainly aren’t getting younger. With any luck, we’ll all be around for awhile, but we’re all on the back end of the actuarial bell curve- some of us more than others. I wanted to be able to get all of us together in one place while it was still possible to do so. That we were able to do so is something I feel good about, because if not for me this wouldn’t have happened. ‘Course, all I did was put the suggestion out there. Everyone else did the heavy lifting of getting to Zumbrota, MN, including one brother who moved his and his wife’s belongings from Greenville, NC, to Albuquerque, NM. A day after arriving in New Mexico, he hopped on his Harley-Davidson and rode 1220 miles from Albuquerque to Zumbrota. I don’t know that I would have done it, but he did without a second thought. Evidently, it was just that important to be there with all of us…and I could stand to take a lesson from that.

After being around my family, I began to realize how similar I still am to them. When I began paying attention to myself, I could hear my brothers when I opened my mouth, and I recognized my mannerisms as eerily similar to my own. That probably shouldn’t seem so odd, but when you’ve been estranged from your family for as long as I’ve been, it’s easy to lose sight of those things.

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This page contains a single entry by Jack Cluth published on October 10, 2014 8:01 AM.

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