November 1, 2014 8:16 AM

Jon Stewart asks the burning question: "What Would Jesus Shoot?"

“Texas has been a conservative state since dinosaurs roamed it 6,000 years ago,” Stewart said. “At least, that date’s according to the Texas state high school textbooks.”…. Greg Abbott, who currently holds a commanding lead in the race for governor, once posted an ad on Facebook showing a photo of a gun and a Bible that read: “Two things every American should know how to use… neither of which are taught in schools.”…. Dan Patrick, the state’s leading candidate for lieutenant governor, has backed teaching creationism in school, allowing guns on campuses, ending direct elections of U.S senators and outlawing all abortion…. “You couldn’t be redder than that guy if you took Clifford the Big Red Dog and shoved it into the Devil’s rectum,” Stewart declared.

The text book definition of futility looks something like this: “lack of effectiveness or success…lack of purpose or meaning.” If you want to functionally understand what futility means, all you need is two words: “Texas Democrat.” Having been one myself for 10+ years, I’m here to tell you that being a Democrat in Texas is like spitting into the wind 24/7/365. You’d have a better chance of success if you were a T-bone steak in the midst of a pack of wild dogs.

How tough is it to be a Democrat in Texas? Well, when two ill-informed, hyper-Jesus-y moral midgets like Greg Abbott and Dan Patrick can be virtual locks for Governor and Lieutenant Governor, respectively…it’s pretty bad. Both are facing competent, capable women in their respective races…and both have the unfortunate handicap of being a Democrat in Texas. It’s the old “Most Texans would vote for a ham sandwich if it had an “R” behind its name” dilemma. Truth is, most Texans would sooner react to propaganda and disinformation than think critically.

I’ve known many thoughtful, intelligent, well-spoken Texas Conservatives…but they’re a pronounced minority. Most Texans still think Democrats crucified Jesus Christ, evolution is Liberal propaganda, and only Republicans are fit to represent the Lone Star State. Republicans could run a child molesting serial murdering clown for Governor…and they’d still beat a qualified, competent, law-abiding, morally sound Democrat.

The double standard is as ridiculous as it is laughable, but it’s the reality. Texans on average equate Democrats with atheists, communists, and child sexual predators…and since they generally can’t be bothered to pay attention to politics, they’re easily propagandized into believing the worst about a Democrat when a Republican would likely be given a free pass.

Abbott and Patrick are the epitome of “all hat and no cattle.” Their rise to power has been predicated on pandering to religious conservatives on the far right. Instead of intelligent, rational debate and discussion, both have demonstrated themselves willing to do or say whatever it takes to get elected, no matter how dishonest or disingenuous. Both have all but promised to turn Texas into a functional theocracy, and Republican efforts to suppress minority votes might just make that happen.

On Tuesday, Texas will get exactly the quality of leadership it deserves. The truly sad thing is that the bar has been set so low.

America would be far better off were Texas to secede. The Texas Republican Party, beholden to hyper-Christian wingnuts, would like nothing better than to turn Texas into an English-speaking version of Iran. Perhaps we should grant their wish.

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This page contains a single entry by Jack Cluth published on November 1, 2014 8:16 AM.

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