November 20, 2014 8:29 AM

Today on "News That Will Make You Want To Play Russian Roulette With A Full Chamber"....

I perused the news yesterday (evidently, I wasn’t nearly depressed enough) to find what I’d missed over the past day or so. I came away thinking that perhaps ignorance really IS bliss. Yeah…not knowing some of this stuff would probably be a net plus. Seriously.

It started with the news that Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker may well be the GOP Presidential nominee in 2016. Granted, the primary process is still a ways off, and Gov. Walker could still screw the pooch (or be caught in flagrante delicto with a gay hooker), but his becoming the Republican standard bearer would only cement the GOP’s reputation for working to elect thugs, criminals, economic illiterates, reprobates, extremist cartoon characters, and hyper-Christian zealots. Given the sad collection of moral and intellectual midgets elected to office as Republicans a couple weeks ago, Gov. Walker is, sad to say, probably an upgrade.

How ‘bout you just shoot me now?

In news that should be good news but will likely turn out to be a short-lived victory, the Senate voted against building the Keystone XL pipeline. What on the surface should have Liberals and those who care about the environment cheering turns out to have been so much window dressing. The Senate Democratic majority forced a vote on Keystone XL in an effort to shore up Sen. Mary Landrieu’s almost certainly doomed reelection campaign. What some wags referred to as the “Mary Landrieu Preservation Act” was defeated soundly…except that the vote was just this side of meaningless. Landrieu’s chances of reelection are about the same as me becoming the leader of a cargo cult. To make matters even worse, Democrats put off a vote on President Obama’s nominee for Attorney General. As if that wasn’t messed up enough, the Senate will undoubtedly vote again on Keystone XL in January after Republicans claim their majority. Gee, d’ya think the results might be different then?

(At times like this I’m think of the late, great Will Rogers, who once said, “I don’t belong to an organized political party. I’m a Democrat.” Yes, Virginia, sometimes life really does imitate art….)

In entirely unrelated news, Congressional Republicans supported executive action on immigration…until Barack Obama became President and they decided they were unalterably opposed to it. To their way of thinking, Obama is ONCE AGAIN SUBVERTING THE CONSITUTION by preparing to issue an executive order on immigration reform. Never mind that every President since Dwight Eisenhower has done the same thing; Republicans are incensed because no Black President has ever done it…and they WILL. NOT. STAND. FOR. IT!! Clearly it’s time to impeach the President for…um, being black? I know, huh? How dare he defy the will of Republicans?? ELECTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES, PEOPLE!! Yeah, even if you did have to suppress votes and cheat in order to achieve much of your “victory.”

In other news from our racist republic, a new study shows that White people think African-Americans are magical unicorns (and, no, despite what I know you’re thinking, I’m NOT making this up). That might help explain the growing aura of White privilege spreading throughout the country…not that Bill O’Reilly will admit to that reality, of course.

Oh, and before I go, I do have some penis-related “news” to pass along. During a recent interview, 92-year-old film director Norman Lear (who must be an absolute motherlode of stories) related a tale about the time he went into a darkened trailer to find Jerry Lewis holding a candle and singing happy birthday to his erect penis.

But wait…there’s more….

While interviewing a woman claiming that Bill Cosby once forced her to perform oral sex on him, CNN’s Don Lemon asked the woman why she didn’t bite Cosby’s penis. Because Don Lemon is an expert on such things, right? No, I’m not making that up, and yes, Lemon really did play the dumbass card.

You just can’t make this stuff up.

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This page contains a single entry by Jack Cluth published on November 20, 2014 8:29 AM.

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