I was proud to co-author last year’s bill that allows teachers and students to use traditional holiday greetings, like “Merry Christmas” and “Happy Hanukkah,” without fear of legal action.
As one of the leaders in the War on Christmas, I’m here to report that this year’s battle against the reason for the season is going swimmingly. In fact, the campaign has been so successful that we’ve got people complaining about “assaults” on their rights that we’ve never even dreamed of conducting. Conservatives are pre-emptively complaining about anti-Christian oppression, perhaps in anticipation of a full-on frontal assault on Christmas. It’s rather satisfying to sit back and watch self-righteous hypocrites complaining about something they don’t give a damn about once the cameras stop rolling.
The sad truth is that we lack the resources or any discernible reason to launch anything even faintly resembling a “War on Christmas.” That said, if Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity, and their ilk are convinced that Christians are being oppressed and denied their God-given right to say “Merry Christmas,” then our work here is done without having even fired a shot…metaphorically speaking, of course.
There is, of course, no “War on Christmas,” except in the feverish imaginations of those who use their faux outrage to focus attention on their agenda as they line their pockets. There are no laws or prohibitions of ANY sort against saying “Merry Christmas.” Anywhere. Not that’s going to stop people like Bill-o the Clown © (apologies to Keith Olbermann) from decrying the seasonal oppression forced upon those who only want to celebrate the reason for the season…which evidently is buying crap from O’Reilly’s website or buying one of his execrable “Killing [Sanity]” books.
Gee, it couldn’t as simple as using “Happy Holidays” out of recognition that not everyone is a Christian and/or chooses to celebrate the holiday in the Christian manner, could it? The idea that there are millions who celebrate the season as an expression of goodwill and appreciation of family in a secular sense seems to be beyond the comprehension of the generals commanding the valiant defense of Christmas.
In addition to talking heads looking to gin up false outrage (and with it, pad their bank accounts), there are numerous Conservative, hyper-religious, authoritarian politicians for whom the “War on Christmas” is a pet cause. That they can cite no instances where Christmas is being truly repressed or the expression of “Merry Christmas” has been criminalized is no impediment. Zealots like Dan Patrick never let the truth get in the way of a fake issue they can milk for maximum political profit.
If you’ll excuse me, I’m late getting back to the front lines. We’re in the midst of planning how to maximize our ability to aggravate those for whom the “War on Christmas” is their raison d’etre. I don’t know that we’ll have the manpower or resources to pull it off, but we’ll go down fighting.
Don’t worry; you can thank me later for my service in the War on Christmas. Perhaps someone will erect a plaque or a statue. Or not.
