I would happily cabbage patch into traffic with a sparkler hanging out of my ass if that were the only other option outside of serving other human beings a meal for money.
Like a good portion of humanity, I’ve worked in restaurants. My last experience was paying my way through my last year of college, first by busing and later waiting on tables. In retrospect, it’s an experience I’m glad to have had, but NO WAY IN HELL would I EVER under ANY circumstance WHATSOEVER want to repeat it. I love restaurants…as someone who frequently eats in them. Erin and I are foodies, and we’re fortunate to be able eat in some very nice places. Given my experience on the other side of the drink tray, I’m always very careful about tipping. I remember all too well what it was like waiting to see if the dickhead at table 21, so earnestly and desperately trying to impress his date and hoping to get laid later, would leave me a tip. Most people were pretty good, but like most former waiters, I have more than a few stories of assholes who thought it hilarious to leave $1.95 on a $200 tab…if they left a tip at all.
With my own experience never far from the forefront of my mind, I generally tip 20%- more if the service and food is exceptional- but never less than 15%…unless you show up at my table drunk and incoherent or you do your imitation of Honey Badger. I don’t feel my expectations are at all unreasonable; you still need to earn your tip, but if you’re kind and funny and competent, I’ll treat you well. Would that the rest of the world could follow suit, but then I’d have nothing to share here if that was the case.
One of my favorite places to go for server stories is Behind Closed Ovens. For stories about truly horribly, nasty excuses for human beings, it’s tough to beat, and it’s funny in a OMG-I’ve-been-there-myself sort of way. It’s easy to laugh at the stories, but the flip side is that they point out that some folks really, truly are assholes- awful and self-absorbed to the bone and built to stay that way. For my part, I can only hope that karma will hold true to form and they’ll someday get their comeuppance. Would it be too much to hope that someone puts the video on YouTube??
Oh, and before I go…don’t forget to tip your wait staff!
