#LeelahAlcorn's parents threw her in front of that truck. They should be ashamed—but 1st they need to be shamed. Charges should be brought.
— Dan Savage (@fakedansavage) December 31, 2014
When you love someone unconditionally, there is no “but” that comes after.
- Tiq Milan, GLAAD
I was going to leave this story be. It seemed as if there was more than enough tragedy and sadness to go around, with plenty of people ready, willing, and beyond able to exploit it for their own ends. Then I read the self-righteous, self-absorbed response of Leelah’s mother…and I find myself agreeing with Dan Savage. Her parents did everything short of physically throwing in front of the truck that killed her. I don’t claim to understand the family dynamics, but I’m familiar enough with that sort of hyper-Christian, self-superior rhetoric, and it seems clear her parents placed their twisted Christianity over the humanity of their child.
Leelah’s parents had two choices: 1) They could love and support their child through the sort of dilemma and internal conflict no child should have to face, or 2) They could lean on their faith, determine their was something “wrong” with their child, and do what they could to “fix” what they saw as broken. That they chose option #2 explains why we’re having a national conversation about how parents deal with transgender children.
I get that it’s got to be tough when your child is attempting to navigate a personal crisis of a sort you can’t possibly hope to understand. Here’s the thing, though; Leelah’s parent didn’t need to understand what she was experiencing. All they needed to do was love and support her. Instead, they chose to fall back on their religion, which taught them that their child was wrong and sinful. Instead of loving Leelah, they judged her and took her to Christian “counselors” in an effort to “change” her. Wanting to change someone implies that one believes something to be wrong with a person. There was nothing wrong with Leelah that love, support, and understanding couldn’t have fixed. When she looked to the people she should have been able to expect unconditional love and acceptance from- her parents- they turned their back on her. All one need do is consider the ridiculous statement from Leelah’s mother to understand how thoroughly culpable her parents are.
When Josh Alcorn voiced a desire to live as a girl, the Ohio teenager’s parents said they wouldn’t stand for that.
“We don’t support that, religiously,” Alcorn’s mother told CNN on Wednesday, her voice breaking. “But we told him that we loved him unconditionally. We loved him no matter what. I loved my son. People need to know that I loved him. He was a good kid, a good boy.”
Crossing out the name “Josh,” the 17-year-old signed the name “Leelah” in a suicide note posted to Tumblr.
The note was programmed to publish after Alcorn’s death Sunday. The teenager was struck by a tractor-trailer on Interstate 71 about 2:15 a.m., about four miles from home in the tiny town of Kings Mills, northeast of Cincinnati.
The Ohio State Highway Patrol is investigating the death as a suicide.
Instead of supporting their child, Leelah’s parents treated her as if there was something “wrong” with her. They withdrew their love and support, and in taking away her access to social media, they removed her access to the love and support of her friends. If they’d deliberately set out to isolate their child, they couldn’t have done it more effectively. Leelah was left on an island, without the love and support of the people she should have been able to count on the most.
It’s easy to tell just how little Carla Alcorn understood her child. By continuing to refer to Leelah as “he,” she demonstrates her complete unwillingness to accept her child for he she was. Coming to grips with the reality of a child who considers themselves transgender has got to be a huge challenge, especially for someone as hyper-religious and inflexible as Leelah’s parents. Nonetheless, when you love a child, you take the “good” with what you might consider to be “not so good.” Being transgender doesn’t means that anything was “wrong,” “bad,” or “unworthy of love” about Leelah Alcorn. Besides, Leelah’s emerging sexuality was but one small part of the whole…yet it was the part her parents chose to focus on and define her by.
#LeelahAlcorn apologizes to her friends and condemns her parents in her final post: http://t.co/7T5gT6qtJL.
— Dan Savage (@fakedansavage) December 31, 2014
All Leelah’s parents had to do was love and support her, something most parents manage to do without too much difficulty. Many of my friends with children have told me that they never knew how much love they were capable of giving until they had a child of their own. Instead of loving their child, the Alcorns chose to focus on one small part of what made Leelah who she was. Instead of standing beside her and loving and supporting her through what had to be a very difficult time, they withdrew their love and support in the mistaken belief that something was “wrong” with her.
As Dan Savage says, Leelah has siblings, which means the Alcorns are raising their children to hate and fear the same things they do, what he refers to as the difference between “shitty parenting” and “criminally reckless” parenting. I’ve always believed parenting to be q results-oriented endeavor. In Leelah’s case, the results speak for themselves.
I’d like to assume the best and believe the Alcorns will learn from their loss and recognize their part in it. Sadly, like most religious zealots, it appears they may well be attempting to place blame everywhere except where it belongs- squarely on their shoulders. All they had to do was love and support their child…and they couldn’t do it. They had it within their power to ensure that their child was loved and supported and knew that she was important and worthwhile…and they refused. I shudder to think what may become of Leelah’s siblings.
