Hooray, the revolution is finally here! After years of judicial activists cramming marriage equality down the unwilling throats of Americans who are mostly cool with it at this point, Alabama’s probate judges, who are not judicial activists because they just aren’t, have answered the call of literally tens of Americans and refused to recognize the authority of the Supreme Court of the United States of America-Except-For-Alabama, because who do those guys think they are anyway, Supreme Court justices or something? It is such a sexciting time to be a Bigot-American, now that the times, they are a-changin’ back.
With more than 70% of Americans now living in states where marriage equality is the law, you’d have to figure that some state is bound to hold out as the last bastion of hatred and bigotry…at least on this issue. Imagine my surprise when it turns out that Alabama is the early leader in the clubhouse for needing to be dragged kicking and screaming out of the 18th century. Not only that, but as one might expect, there are no lack of people will use to use this controversy to raise funds for their cause. In this case, it’s Tony Perkins, president of the hate group that is the Family Research Council, who sees the struggle in Alabama as just another means to make a buck or six.
In typical fashion, Perkins has staked out a position firmly in support of Alabama’s “good fight,” and those who would stand in the way of history are heroes, protecting the Hellhole State from the evil of gay marriage. Because if good, God-fearing Christian patriots don’t stand up for all that’s right and decent, it’s just a matter of time before everyone will be forced to wear assless chaps and learn the secret gay handshake. He sent the following message to his followers in an effort to get them to loosen their purse strings and throw some cash his way. So he can keep fighting the good fight against those who would preside over the destruction of traditional marriage:
Politicians in other states may roll over and play dead as the federal courts trample their laws, but not Alabama! There’s an organized resistance developing in the Deep South, and it might just be the turning point on marriage that many Americans have been waiting for. While the Left scoffed Moore’s influence [sic], the Chief Justice was quietly gaining momentum.
That’s right! YOU CAN’T TAKE AWAY OUR RIGHTS TO TAKE AWAY YOUR RIGHTS!!
Perkins know that Alabama Supreme Court Justice Roy Moore is the real power in Alabama, and that the Supreme Court is far, far away in Washington, DC. What are they going to do, send in Obama’s secret Praetorian Guard to sodomize the Hellhole State’s Christians? Moore is single-handedly and heroically protecting Alabamans from the imposition of a system he KNOWS will lead to marriage between fathers and daughters? Or was that man-on-dog sex? I always manage to get them confused.
Moore is determined to prevent gays from shoving same-sex marriage down the throat of good, God-fearing Alabamans (feel free to ignore the double entendre), who simply want to be left alone to hate whom they choose in they way they choose. Seems like it should be a basic American civil right, knowhutimean?? As for his heroic struggle, Moore is taking his place in Alabama history alongside Bull Connor and George Wallace as brave, patriotic White souls willing to stand up for the inalienable right to take away the rights of those who make you feel all oogy and yucky.
FREEDUMB!!!
Now the prayers of hate-mongers everywhere have been answered, in the form of Alabama’s “revolution,” which is going to come to a spectacular end in June when the Supreme Court specifically tells Alabama, and the rest of the country, that seriously and for real, banning equality is not a constitutional thing, cut it out already.
Because the “Christian” thing to do has nothing to do with denying equal rights to those whose sexytime makes you suppress your gag reflex…which really says more about you than anything.
Here’s an idea: If you don’t support same-sex marriage, then don’t marry someone of the same sex. Problem solved, eh? And no, you can’t force your prejudice on others just because you think it’s icky.
