When I was around 18, I looked in the mirror and said, “You’re either going to love yourself or hate yourself.” And I decided to love myself. That changed a lot of things.
- Queen Latifah
It’s not about being the best. It’s about being better than you were yesterday.
- Unknown
I’ve been a lot of things over the course of my life, but one thing I’ve never really been is a fan of myself. Growing up, I always felt like a misfit, a square peg in a world full of round holes. I faked being comfortable in different situations, because I knew if I didn’t I’d never get anywhere in this world. Truth be told, I didn’t much like people…mostly because I didn’t much like myself.
All my life, I’ve felt as if I don’t belong, as if I don’t quite fit in- not “something” enough no matter how hard I tried or how much I succeeded at something. Either I felt fat (I’m not; like most of us, I could stand to lose a few pounds), or stupid (Again, I’m not; my IQ has been measured between 148-150), or ugly, which as been a tougher nut to crack. To this day, it’s hard to like what I see looking back at me in the mirror. Throw in the challenge of an on- and off-again struggle with depression and the ADD that wasn’t diagnosed until a few years ago (but undoubtedly have dealt with since childhood), and it’s not exactly a recipe for self-love.
It wasn’t until just a few years ago, after many years of counseling that I began to understand the power of shame…because that’s what I’d been dealing with all along. Turns out that it’s not easy to like yourself when you’re ashamed of yourself and/or what you’re doing. I carried a lot of anger around with me, because that’s what I used to mask how scared and ashamed I was. Anytime someone would question me about something, no matter how benign or innocent, I could feel the fear rise in me, the feeling that, if left untended, would morph into a fight-or-flight reflex. I never felt confident enough to believe that it OK and legitimate to be angry from time to time, because it always felt as if I’d been caught doing something wrong- and when I was, it just cemented that conviction in my mind. I was convinced I needed to be perfect, and that when I wasn’t it was my fault and my responsibility.
Even today, I can default to that scared, angry child in a heartbeat. Whenever I have an argument or disagreement, I have to fight the feeling that it’s my fault, that I’m responsible for creating whatever the problem is. Going through life like that isn’t a recipe for feeling like an equal in relationships or peer to peer interactions. Things are inally getting better…and I have to admit that it feels odd to recognize that I no longer must assume that I’m the one at fault in a conflict.
Hmm…maybe this is what growing up feels like….
