Oh yes. Those Texas Republicans are outraged at the idea that global warming could be responsible for the devastating floods experienced by their state, which have forced them to sell their immortal souls as they go begging to federal dollars. The good news is that it is not global warming that is to blame! It is witchcraft and sodomy! Yay!…. “Rebecca in College Station, Texas” shared this theory with Bryan Fischer the other day during his radio show. She said that “the places that are underwater [are] are overrun with witchcraft and sodomy. If you go into those areas, you can just see it.”…. Houston, she complains, “has a whole area that is like Sodom and Gomorrah.” Houston, she says, even has a “sodomite mayor”!
Hey, kids!! Gather ‘round the radio, ‘cuz it’s time for your weekly dose of “Making Sense of Your World For the Truly, Deeply, and Painfully Stupid!!” Once again, Brother Fischer, your connection to God, will explain how and why witchcraft and sodomy (and occasionally Liberalism and atheism) are responsible for virtually all the really, truly bad, ugly, and horrible things visited upon humanity.
Silly me; all these years I’d been thinking that natural disasters like hurricanes, floods, droughts, and earthquakes were caused by natural phenomena like weather and tectonic plates shifting. Turns out that these things happen because God is very pissed off at humanity, and Texas appears to be the center of the target for our nonplussed Supreme Being.
And you wonder why I left Texas….
If you’re going to attribute the flooding in Texas to some kind of supernatural cause, you can make a geographical connection between the flooding and the practice of the occult and witchcraft and the embrace of homosexuality. That’s where the disaster is being felt the worse.
There’s one flaw in Fischer’s finely-honed argument that I’m having trouble resolving. If homosexuality angers God to the point where She’d punish humanity with all manner of natural disasters, why is she picking on Texas, which is practically the Shining City on a Hill when it comes to homophobia and anti-gay legislative oppression? Why not carpet-bomb Massachusetts or California? Or is God really just afraid of being glitter-bombed in retaliation?
It’s interesting that Fischer is prone to using the example of Sodom and Gomorrah, two cities destroyed by God for their sinfulness. Except that their misbehavior had nothing to do with witchcraft or sodomy (or even being Green Bay Packer fans). Sure, there’s the story in Genesis 19 about something that could be construed as being about sodomy, though it’s never made clear. It appears that Sodom and Gomorrah’s perceived sinfulness was more about being horrible people than anything else.
This was the guilt of your sister Sodom: she and her sisters had pride, excess of food, and prosperous ease, but they did not aid the poor and needy. They were haughty, and did abominable things before me. (Ezekiel 16:49-50).
So it seems they were Republicans: rude, greedy, gluttonous, and selfish…but it certainly doesn’t sound like they were engaged in gay orgies 24/7. Hmm…perhaps if Fischer actually READ his Bible, he might understand that. ‘Course, it’s so much easier when you can interpret and twist Scripture to buttress your hatefulness and homophobia…not to mention pump up your sizable ego. Then again, if you’re spending your life in Tupelo, MS, you probably have to create your own excitement.
The interesting part is that Christian sites like GotQuestions? relay the story as evidence that god hates homosexuality. Sure, GotQuestions? mentions the lack of hospitality from Ezekiel’s account, but they point out, helpfully, “There is probably nothing more inhospitable than homosexual gang rape.”
Well, okay look, so Sodom and Gomorrah were worse than New Jersey. “Welcome to New Jersey - Now Go Home” is certainly less unfriendly than “Welcome to Sodom - Now Assume the Position” but aren’t you a little offended by the suggestion that homosexual gang rape is somehow worse than heterosexual gang rape?
I mean, isn’t rape just plain bad in and of itself?
Well, apparently, in both Jewish and Christian eyes, Surprise Butt Sex should be limited to women.
In this regard, GotQuestions? curiously fails to mention the unhappy fact that Lot offered the rapists his two virgin daughters for their pleasure in place of the two strangers:
“Look, I have two daughters who have not known a man; let me bring them out to you, and you can do to them as you please.”
Now THAT is family values!
Hey, now…it certainly worked for Josh Duggar.
Another problem with Fischer’s theory is this little thing I like to call “science.” There’s simply no empirical evidence of any sort whatsoever to support the contention that God more often than not directs Her Holy and Righteous Fury and Disapproval © at the Great State of Texas. Again, given that Texas is for all intents and purposes Homophobia Central, it seems particularly odd that the Lone Star State has been singled our for special attention by a Supreme Being with significant anger control issues. A better explanation might be that, because of an unfortunate confluence of geography and meteorology, Texas is singularly well-suited for all sorts of adverse natural phenomena. It really has nothing at all to do with sodomy or witchcraft…or even atheism, Liberalism, or being a Packers fan. That would certainly be more polite than referring to Fischer as the angry, hateful, and ignorant homophobe and hyper-religious bigot he is…but I’m a better person than that.
Right??
