I’ve always been fascinated by the astonishing depth and breadth of human stupidity. Whether it’s those angling for a Darwin Award nomination (there’s something to be said for natural selection), or folks who through reasons of birth or choice (or lack of other available options) live in an intellectual vacuum, stupid can be surprisingly entertaining. There are certainly times when stupid can and does rise to the level of dangerous and offensive (see reactions to Ferguson, Baltimore, and Charleston), but today I’m going to focus on entertainment value by resurrecting what at one time was a semi-regular feature, “Today’s signs that the Apocalypse is upon us.” Whether this will continue for any length of time remains to be seen. Like everything else I’ve done here for the past almost 14 years, I’m making it up as I go.
Without further ado, allow me to welcome today’s “honorees” to the stage….
Pro Tip: Don’t Steal A Stick If You Can’t Drive A Stick: For all you aspiring criminals out there, remember: It’s all about knowing your limitations. Then again, lack of a functional intellect and a dearth of available options are probably why you’re a criminal, amiright??
Scientists Say That LSD For Breakfast Will Make You Have A Great Day: Sure, once you get used to the 40-lb. spiders climbing the walls and the dancing donkeys with Donald Trump’s head singing the “Macarena” in Lithuanian. Once you get past that, ANYTHING would seem like a great day.
Owning A Cat During Childhood Linked To Schizophrenia: Well, that certainly answers a lot of questions about me, eh?
Buddhist monk allegedly stabbed by fellow monk in East Oakland: Why won’t the media address the growing problem of monk-on-monk violence?
Post Is Releasing An ICE CREAM PEBBLES Sherbet Cereal: Because 9 out of 10 dentists believe your child doesn’t consume NEARLY enough sugar these days.
Man accidentally shot at gun safety class: Ah, Irony; thou art a delightful and deliciously fickle wench. I bow to your superior skills, especially when you go the extra mile by incorporating natural selection into your handiwork.
Remember: The Alamo Has An Official Cat: As any devotee of the World Wide Web can tell you, the Internet was built on a foundation comprised of cat videos and cute, gratuitous cat stories. You’re welcome.
Forget sharks. These other animals are more likely to kill you: Don’t for a minute think that cow wouldn’t cut you and leave you for dead in a ditch.
24,000 Michigan doughnuts in line for world record: ANY world record attempt involving doughnuts (or bacon) is worthy of wider publicity, no?
Couple Stabs Neighbor With Rake After Loud Sex Complaints, Police Say: The couples that lashes out together probably has great- and very loud- sex.
World’s Oldest Person Dies At 116 In Michigan: Forgive me, but you and I both know the question must be asked: Was it from having loud sex??
Watermelon sells for $2,800 in Japanese auction: This is how the watermelon gods punish you for having WAY more money than sense.
Woman Accused Of Stealing 131 Pairs Of Underwear: Man, if she was trying to save money, you’d think she’d try shopping at Goodwill….
Judge banned mother from breastfeeding because she got a tattoo: Sometimes the logical leaps involved in achieving full-on stupid render me incapable of properly address something so breathtakingly ignorant and borderline misogynistic. This is one of those times. I got nothin’, y’all.
Today’s lesson: This girl demonstrates why you shouldn’t text while walking: For some reason I’m envisioning parents all over the country using this story as a cautionary tale.
Puerto Rican Day Parade Demands Daily News Apology Over Image There’s classless, there’s lazy…and then there’s the New York Daily News. Calling it a “NEWSpaper” is a serious leap of faith.
Mum’s outrage over teddy bear with ‘totally inappropriate detail’ on girl’s christening cake from Bolton firm Occasion Cakes: Wait ‘til Mum gets a load of the male teddy bear the bakers use for a boy’s christening. That bear is HUNG, yo.
Carrot Beer Now Exists: Of course it does. If Rogue can brew Maple Bacon Doughnut and Jalapeno beers, nothing is sacred anymore. What’s Next? Sucking Chest Wound IPA? Aged Roadkill Pale Ale? Mad Cow Ebola Lager? The mind fairly boggles at the possibilities, no?
Utah rookie baseball team cancels ‘Caucasian Heritage Night,’ communication director resigns: The League of the South, the National Association for the Advancement of White People, and the National White Power Front are NOT happy…
Thanks, y’all; you’ve been a great audience. Enjoy Pablo Cruise….
