I’ve often wondered if the Son of God isn’t playing a horrible trick on believers- “Hey, God…check this out, man. We can put something on a food product that sort of looks like it maybe could be an approximation of what I might look like if I’d had a bad hair day…and people will freak the %$&# OUT!!” Of course, I don’t believe in the Father, the Son, OR the Holy Spirit…but if the Holy Schizophrenic did exist, you’d have to think the dude would have a sense of humor, right? “Oh, wow…that tortilla tied the whole room together, man….”
Then I find myself thinking that even IF God did exist, His son would likely have better things to do with his time than randomly create bad visual impressions and spread them around for believers to flip out over when they come across them. Jesus has appeared on pancakes, toast, condensation on windows…and I think he’s even masqueraded as Aaron Rodgers and Tom Brady a time or two. In fact, I think I read somewhere that Roger Goodell saw the face of Jesus Christ in a deflated football during last year’s NFL playoffs. Color me skeptical…but who knows, right??
Woman claims face of Jesus appeared on homemade tortilla: “I was flyin back from Lubbock, I saw Jesus on the plane. Or maybe it was Elvis, you know, they kinda look the same.” Sorry, but I’m thinking it looks more like Albert Einstein coming off a three-week meth binge.
Angry man complains that local NBC station changed its peacock logo to ‘the colors of gays’: Angry old man yells at clouds; film at 11, reporter explains to miscreant that the colors in NBC’s logo are actually, oh, about 50 years old. Or may the peacock was just that far ahead of its time?
Bobby Jindal’s latest campaign slogan: ‘Tanned. Rested. Ready.’: I don’t know whether to think that Jindal has a sense of humor…or wonder if he really is that tone-deaf.
GOP lawmaker: Murders plotted by Muslims just as bad as murders committed by racists: Join us next week on “Great Moments In What Should Be Blindingly Obvious,” When Peter King will prove that water from the Atlantic Ocean is just as wet as water from the Pacific Ocean and that custodial engineers are just as highly trained and capable as janitors.
Walmart Apologizes for Making ISIS Cake for Man Denied Confederate Flag Design: Well…Allahu akbar, knowhutimean???
Headlines of the week: Bristol Palin’s second pregnancy inspires people failing at the thing they’re paid to do: When you get paid $15k a crack to do one thing that you suck at yourself, that might look like failure, but I think we’d all be willing to fail so spectacularly if we could clear six figures a year.
Pastors call for stonings and warn of God’s wrathful judgment after marriage equality ruling: Yeah, I know; EXACTLY What Jesus Would Do, right?? He seems nice enough.
Supreme Court rules against EPA limits on mercury emissions from power plants: Because preventing birth defects and mercury poisoning is for losers and Liberals.
We are ‘being exterminated’: Twitter neo-Confederates express panic with #SouthernLivesMatter: Twitter- where tiny, hate-addled, self-important minds go to claim with all seriousness that their attachment to racist symbols isn’t about racism, hatred, and oppression. IT’S ABOUT HERITAGE, PEOPLE! Oh, well…that changes everything, doesn’t it? Or not….
Tony Perkins: Now That More Gays Will Be Marrying Out-Of-Wedlock Births Will Increase: Perhaps someone needs to explain how marriage and human reproduction work?? Or is Perkins really just that irredeemably dense? As if we don’t already know the answer to that question. Whenever the man opens his mouth, I find myself wondering: how could someone so well-edumicated be so impenetrable dense?
Rick Santorum: Redirect global warming effort to fighting gay marriage ‘for the survival of our country’: This from the man whose surname has come to represent the definition of the remnants of anal sex? Get back to me when I stop laughing, willya? It might be awhile.
Puppy porta-potties are now a thing: Does Rick Santorum know about this???
Philly diner’s ‘Antonin Scalia is a Douche’ brunch special sells out in record time: As a very wise person once told me, honesty always is the best policy when it comes to laying out a good brunch.
U.S. CITIZENS SIGN PETITION TO BAN AMERICAN FLAG…and replace it with a pyramid to “signify the new world order”: It’s InfoWars, so it has to be true…right?? WHEN has Alex Jones EVER lied to America?
Christian pastor says his new anti-LGBT movie was inspired after meeting nice lesbian couple: He realized that they’re people just like him…and at that moment he knew that he could never win people to Jesus Christ without demonizing the LGBT community and portraying them as evil Sodomites desirous only of recruiting our children and forcing them to beg Pat Robertson for anal sex.
Burger chain adds bugs to the menu…on purpose: If the cricket protein shakes sells well, the plan is to test market roadkill burgers. The next logical step would be…BRAINZZZ….
Civil War reenactors conflicted over Confederate flag debate: ‘Long story short, it’s complicated’: Complicated? Not at all. The South seceded over slavery, remember? Celebrating the Confederate flag is to condone that history of racism and oppression. What’s so complicated about that?
Argentina orders asset seizure from Falkland oil firms: Apparently the Argentines didn’t learn their lesson after getting their asses kicked by the British Army in 1982. The time The Fracas in the Falklands will be available on HBO pay-per-view for $29.95.
CNN host calls out Donald Trump: ‘What’s traditional about being married three times?’: Because, as ANY good, God-fearing, Christian American patriot will tell you, letting Teh Gayz marry will ruin EVERYTHING.
