Sometimes you feel like a nut…and sometimes you wake up under the influence of a heavy dose of Thorazine and wearing a straitjacket. That’s probably what should have happened to most of the folks featured in this edition of TSTTAIUU. It’s times like this when I begin thinking that draining the gene pool might not be such a bad idea.
Not just anyone could artfully tie together testicle-eating fish, masturbating subway riders, cow sex, rat poison, bacon shot glasses, fried rat, and Donald Trump into one tightly-wrapped package. It takes a strong stomach and a and equally ironclad tolerance for absurdity. I know; it’s a gift. Or maybe a curse. I suspect the line separating the two is exceedingly thin.
This episode highlighting humanity’s lowest common denominators is one of I’m particularly (not so very) proud of. Somehow these folks manage to stave off their Darwin Award auditions for yet another day…but I can’t help thinking their day may well be nigh. When that happens, I hope someone captures it on video.
‘Testicle Eating Fish’ With Human-Like Teeth Caught In New Jersey: Uh, sorry…but you lost me at “testicle eating fish.” Say what???
Double Rainbow Over White House After SCOTUS Gay Marriage Ruling: It doesn’t take a theologian to know that this is obviously a sign that God is about to destroy America for our collective wickedness and immorality. Or something like that.
Passenger Filmed Possibly Masturbating On Crowded NYC Subway: Or, as the locals know it, just another Thursday afternoon rush hour in Brooklyn.
Let’s get it on: the race for the world’s best condom: Wait…the Gates Foundation pays people to have sex? Damn; I may have missed my dream job. Oh, wait…that’s what porn is, right?
Denmark is the world’s top country: economist: “The wealth of Denmark is instead built on exporting bacon and drugs to control diabetes — an appropriate combination — around the world.” Hey, buddy; you had me at “exporting bacon.”
So…Here’s How To Make Bacon Shot Glasses: Yeah, you had me at “bacon shot glasses.”
Cat That Gained Viral Fame After Saving Young Boy Wins Hero Dog Award: Hmm…something isn’t quite right here…wait, wait; don’t tell me….
Police say Quincy woman stabbed man in face at Burger King: Evidently, Burger King food is to die for. Literally.
Cow Sex Spices Up News Segment: Well, DUH!!! What wouldn’t cow sex spice up?
Bristol Palin Makes Great Argument for Abortion in Baby Announcement: Abstinence spokesperson Bristol Palin is pregnant with her second out of wedlock child. Yep, sometimes the jokes practically write themselves.
Demi Moore And Daughters Pose Poolside In Their Bikinis: You’re welcome.
EXCLUSIVE: Photos show rat poison hidden in Rikers inmates’ food: Well, that’s one way way to control the growing inmate population.
Facebook Will Rainbowify Your Profile Photo To Celebrate Marriage Equality: Taste the rainbow!!
This is a LOT of weed - 26 laundry bags of cannabis found dumped in Twickenham: If this is your weed, the Twickenham police have three cases of Doritos and a case of Mountain Dew for you.
North Korea Claims It Can Cure Ebola, AIDS And Much, Much More: What? I suppose you think it’s easy been the poster child for social responsibility and altruism? All Kim Jong-un wants to do is save the world. The Dude abides, man….
Wait 17 seconds before buttering, store in a bread bin and NEVER pop the toaster too soon: Experts reveal their top tips for making the perfect slice of toast: Finally, news I can use!
The Newest Delegates To The U.N. Are A Bunch Of Bloodsucking Parasites: The chair recognizes the representative from the People’s Democratic Republican of Bedbugistan….
Donald Trump launches Twitter attack on ‘total hypocrite’ Neil Young: Yep, this is EXACTLY the sort of mature, insightful leadership and dignity America needs in the White House.
Name Your Baby Quinoa For A Shot At Winning $10,000 Of Food From BJ’s: Hey, most guys would name their child Beelzebub if they could get a BJ out of it.
Danish theme park rejects racism charge: “Africa Land?” “The Cannibal Pots?” “The Hottentot Carousel?” Really? And they can still claim no racism? WTF is wrong with these people??
KFC ‘Fried Rat’ Is In Fact Chicken, Lab Test Confirms: Sorry…still not enough to convince me. I stopped listening after “fried rat.”
