In a week featuring cranial fireworks, Justin Bieber’s ass, alligator snacks, God lighting up a fast-food emporium, criminal possession of PopTarts, more racism, measles, and same-sex marriage than should be allowed in prime time, and a minor Kardashian sighting, I almost don’t know how to craft a lean-in to do it all justice. Then again, we live in a target-rich environment when it comes to Teh Stoopid, so the fact that it was a GREAT week for Darwin Award nominees is probably a welcome change of pace. I’m just going to let the rich, creamy goodness speak for itself this time around…because I suspect we won’t be able to get it to shut up.
You’d think that a holiday weekend would’ve seen a slowdown in the silliness and open displays of (a complete lack of) human intellectual agility. Turns out that stupid never takes a day off.
You’re welcome.
Revolutionary Airplane Crosses The Ocean Without A Drop Of Fuel: No fossil fuel was required; it ran on the bitter tears and broken dreams of Big Oil CEOs.
Man Dies Instantly After Launching Firework From Top of Head: If you look up the definition of “natural selection” in the dictionary, this is what you’ll find- one of this week’s Darwin Award nominees. I’m thinking we may have a winner on our hands. Nice work, eh?
Minnesota firefighter flies Confederate flag on firetruck in July 4th parade: ‘It has nothing to do with slavery’: Right; it has EVERYTHING to do with whitewashing the truth and celebrating a version of history that exists only in the fevered imaginations of those too ignorant and self-absorbed to recognize their own undeniable racism.
“Fuck That Alligator”: Man Killed Seconds After Mocking Gator Warning: Evidently this week is going to present a target-rich environment for Darwin Award nominees. Did someone finally decide to drain the gene pool??
Florida man gets 2.5 years for having sex on the beach: And Floriduh Gov. Rick Scott continues to walk the Earth a free man despite stealing millions in a massive health care fraud. Don’t just LOVE America?? Hmm…aren’t you worried about getting sand in uncomfortable places??
Americans celebrate World Cup in most awful way possible: ‘Japs haven’t seen a blast like that since Hiroshima’: Too many Americans still don’t know that the difference between “class” and “ass” is WAY more than just two letters.
Officials Confirm First U.S. Measles Death in 12 Years: ‘Cuz vaccines are harmful, don’tchaknow??
Dating Site Caters To Women Who Want Well-Endowed Men: Shh…don’ disturb me; I’m visualizing the hue and cry of righteous indignation if a dating site catered to men who want women with large breasts.
God to Wendy’s: “Fuck Wendy’s”: Because poor-quality fast food angers the Almighty…judging by the pictures, even more than marriage equality.
‘The devil is taking control’: Watch SC senator derail Confederate flag debate with insane gay marriage rant: Is there anything that same-sex marriage WON’T destroy…and is ANY good, God-fearing, red-blooded, Conservative White American Christian patriot safe from the threat of Teh Buttseks??
Runner Loses Prestigious 10K By Celebrating Too Early: The late Satchel Paige once warned us not to look back, because someone might be gaining on us. This poor guy might have done well to ignore that advice. He was probably celebrating having won what he thought was a 9.97k race.
Justin Bieber: Great White Ass: There are few things in this world I want to see less of than Justin Bieber’s pasty white posterior.
‘I am not a racist’: Prison guard suspended one day for Facebook ‘joke’ about lynching Obama: He was writing about a picture of an Obama Christmas ornament: “Suddenly it’s legal to hang a black man from a tree again!” Yeah, NO WAY is that EVER going to be interpreted as racist…right???
The Worst Excerpts from the Newly Unsealed Cosby Files: So it turns out that Bill Cosby is a truly miserable excuse for a human being. I know; who could have seen that coming, eh??
Andrea Cammelleri’s Parking Ticket Tossed Because Of Missing Comma: I love cooking my pets and my family. Don’t be a psycho- use commas.
Cops: Parents Forced Teen Daughter to Live in Woods for Eating Pop-Tart: Kinda makes you wonder what these folks would have done had their daughter stayed out past curfew, doesn’t it?
Chris Christie: My Supreme Court justices would have ruled differently on same-sex marriage, Obamacare: Which is why Chris Christie will become President about the same time I’m elected Queen of Sweden.
Kourtney Kardashian Reportedly Left That No-Good Cheater Scott Disick: A grateful nation finally exhales in relief and exultation.
