So it’s been a wild week here at WWJD World Headquarters in Hipster Heaven. The heat wave (WHAT global climate change??) certainly seems to have people off their feed…which helps make sense of what’s happening here in Portlandia. Explaining what’s happening in the rest of the country would appear to be above my pay grade and beyond my meager analytical capabilities.
With county clerks in states like Texas, Alabama, Louisiana, and South Dakota (among others) demonstrating their hyper-Christian conviction that their beliefs/prejudice/Imaginary Friend imbues them with the right to determine who’s worthy of marriage, things are a little…tense. ‘Course, it’s exactly What Jesus Would Do, right? If a public official can’t place their hatred and homophobia religious faith over the mere laws of man, what’s the world coming to? How’s a believer supposed to feel superior to those unenlightened souls who refuse to accept a loving and beneficent Jesus into their hearts?
While I’m pondering that philosophical/theological version of a mental Chinese finger trap, allow me to introduce this week’s edition of “I Was Promised A Darwin Award…I Want My G——-n Darwin Award!!!!” You’ve been a great audience!! Enjoy Pablo Cruise!!
Pope ‘plans to chew coca leaves during Bolivia visit’: So does that mean he’ll ask to smoke some weed if he visits the Pacific Northwest?
Danish Engineering Students Hard at Work Researching Facesitting Porn: SCIENCE!!!! Yeah, research can be SUCH a long and tedious slog, knowhutimean?? You have check, double-check, and recheck the data…and there’s never enough money in the grant budget to supply Kleenex and AstroGlide to the research associates. CLEAN UP!! AISLE FIVE!!
Ben “Cooter” Jones: TV Land pulling “The Dukes of Hazzard” reruns is like a Nazi book-burning: Right…and the KKK was just a buncha good ol’ boys with too much time on their hands and too much rope and gasoline.
‘Did Jesus ride dinosaurs?’ : Bobby Jindal’s Twitter Q&A hilariously backfires: No one even tangentially associated with the American Taliban should ever go ANYWHERE near Twitter. It will NOT end well.
FOX’S TODD STARNES CLAIMS GOD IS GOING TO FLOOD THE EARTH OVER MARRIAGE EQUALITY DECISION: Wow…that is some kind of industrial grade, world-class, USDA Grade A stoopid, don’tchathink? Doesn’t his self-righteous intolerance and self-superiority make you want to get down on your knees and…oh, nevermind; I really don’t want to go there.
MUG SHOTS: HECKLERS ARRESTED AT HOUSTON CHURCH: Criminal trespass? For heckling Joel Osteen? Oh, right; it’s Texas…and you NEVER mess with Jesus in Houston.
Walmart Is Very Sorry It Made an ISIS Cake: The bakery department manager was immediately beheaded and the video posted on the Internet. God is great, no?
Bristol Palin’s pregnancy announcement is her coming out: “Hi, my name is Bristol, and I’m a privileged, entitled minor celebrity who feels no compulsion to practice what I preach. What; you think it’s easy having Sarah Palin for a mother? Like she was goin to teach me humility and compassion??”
Texas County Clerk Demands Her ‘Religious Freedom’: “I am grateful that the First Amendment continues to protect the sincerely held religious beliefs of public servants like me. That has not changed since last Friday.” Yeah, about that…if your religion allows you to discriminate against those whom you feel to be “less than,” you have no religion. You’re a sociopath using your “religion” to justify your bigotry and discrimination. Denying county clerks the “right” to discriminate is not in itself the definition of the worst sort of discrimination. If you believe your hateful, homophobic, intolerant God belongs in everyone’s government, might I suggest you apply for a job transfer? I hear Uganda’s beautiful this time of year.
NASCAR Asks Fans To Please Stop Flying The Confederate Flag: Wow…next they’ll be asking Southern parents not to name their kids “Bubba.”
‘Eggs Benedict’: Milwaukee museum to display portrait of Pope Benedict made of condoms: The good news is that, if the Catholic Church is supplying the condoms, we can be certain they’ll be unused.
Dylann Roof’s Sister Allegedly Starts GoFundMe for Cancelled Wedding: Yeah; guess who’s been disinvited from the wedding?
Ku Klux Klan to hold rally in South Carolina in support of the Confederate flag: I’d rather have the idjits out in the open than lurking behind the cover of religion and the law.
A Model Named Her Baby Alaska: It could have been worse. She could have named the little urchin New Jersey.
South Dakota county clerk threatens to marry her dog after Supreme Court legalizes same-sex marriage: Somehow I think this is bound to qualify as cruelty to animals. No one should be able to subject a dog to so much self-righteousness and hatred.
Chilean Satire Mag Makes A Funny About Messi Getting Finger Up His Butt: Because who doesn’t love a story about Leonel Messi with his finger in his butt??
Houston pastors, a Texas sized stupid: No one has at any time proposed punishing or otherwise persecuting Texas religious leaders who refuse to participate in a same-sex marriage. Are these folks really arrogant enough to believe that a same-sex couple would even want to ask someone who opposes their dream to officiate at their wedding? Memo to the American Taliban: Allah akbar!!
