There comes a time in every person’s life when they must choose. Do they travel the road of ignorance and hatred? Or do they choose the path of hope and humanity? Fortunately for us, this is not one of those times (Had you going for a moment there, didn’t I??). No, we’re here today to ponder those who try to X-ray cats and pretend the love of Jesus Christ is all about killing gays and lesbians. We’re here to wonder why a benevolent God would strike a Wendy’s with lighting but ignore Todd Starnes’ impassioned pleas to protect the righteous by attacking President Obama with hornets and cicadas. Even more than that, we’re here to wonder how it is that Bobby Jindal, Mike Huckabee, and Donald Trump couldn’t make this week’s (dis)honor roll?
Sure, we’re down a few Darwin Award candidates for this edition, but there’s enough ignorance, hatred, and generalized silliness to make up for that shortfall. In fact, I’d wager you won’t even miss the guy in Maine who died after setting off fireworks on his head, thus helping to drain the gene pool. Tune in next time, when we hope to have an interview with Donald Trump’s moral compass…assuming it can be located in time. It’s been AWOL ever since he announced that he’s running for President.
Thanks, everyone!! You’ve been a great audience!! Enjoy the Sugar Cubes!!!
Man puts cat in a TSA X-ray machine, everyone understandably freaks out: Well, the good news is that we found your cars keys….
Linda Harvey: Prosecute Hillary Clinton For Gay ‘Child Corruption’: Or wearing white after Labor Day. As ANY good, God-fearing, red-blooded, Conservative, White Christian patriot will tell you, the Lord HATES it when female politicians dare to believe they don’t need to defer to men when it comes to wearing White after Labor Day politics.
Rick Santorum Takes Victory Lap Now That Supreme Court Allows Man-Dog Marriages: No Irish Setter is safe tonight….
Bryan Fischer Once Again Calls For Enacting Russian-Style Anti-Gay ‘Propaganda’ Laws In America: Of course; ANY Christian knows from long, hard study of Scripture that Jesus Christ would love gays and lesbians without judgment execute gays and lesbians for engaging in icky sexy-time practices being abominations before the Lord. Or something like that.
Lightning strikes Wendy’s because Mother Nature wants a Baconator: And on the seventh day, the Lord said, “I SAID EXTRA CHEESE AND NO MAYO, DAMNIT!!!”
Todd Starnes Calls On God To Send Hornets And Cicadas To Attack Obama: Perhaps Starnes is just angry that he went to a Wendy’s and they refused to serve him a Baconator??
Of course! ‘Fox & Friends’ finds a way to blame Obama for Ariana Grande’s unpatriotic donut licking: That’s right; if Mitt Romney was President, Grande never would have licked those donuts…because the economy would have crashed and the resulting depression would have forced the doughnut shop out of business. Problem solved, eh?
Rick Wiles Renounces His American Citizenship In Response To Marriage Equality Ruling: Excellent! I hear Uganda and Russia are truly godly places that will welcome new with open arms. Now if only Bryan Fischer, Linda Harvey, and Pat Robertson would follow Wiles’ shining example of godliness.
Come Make Lifelong Friends And Learn New Skills At The KKK’s Funtimes Summer Camp!: Have you always wanted to learn how to burn a cross on someone’s front lawn? Or sew a bedsheet into a sexy Grand Dragon cloak? Come to the KKK’s new “WHITE POWER NOW!!” summer camp, and you can learn these skills and SO much more!!
‘Sodomites, Go To Hell!’: Right-Wing July 4th Event Warns Hurricanes Create ‘Sodomite Heaven’: Wow…I got nothin’, y’all. That’s a level of stupid WAY above my pay grade and ability to comprehend. (“No, it’s not Sodomite Heaven; it’s Iowa.”)
‘God Hates Retirement’ Is Wingnuts’ Hot New Reason For Killing Social Security: God never meant for human beings to retire and ensure their latter years in leisure. He meant for them to slump over dead at their desks while slaving away for The man. Remember, the middle class is of value only for their productive capacity; otherwise they’re simply drains on society.
‘Girls with Gluten’ Instagram shows ladies having their cake and eating it too: It’s the Internet…which means that sometimes the point is that there IS no point.
Bob Vander Plaats: Gay Marriage Leading To Legalization Of Pedophilia, Criminalization Of Bible: Hmm…well, here in the reality-based world, the vast majority of pedophiles are heterosexual, and the Bible is only criminal if you consider inconsistency, poor transcription, and historical inaccuracy to be chargeable offenses. Of course, the Bible IS useful as a bludgeon with which to beat unenlightened heathens senseless.
Irish man puts up adverts for ‘new best friend’ and help with ‘prison escape’: Today on “Rejected Ideas For ‘Stupid Criminal Tricks’ New Season”….
Pat Robertson: ISIS Violence ‘The Best Thing That Ever Happened To the World’: Yeah, because watching ignorant Islamofascist zealots beheading innocent victims and throwing others off rooftops is WAY entertaining!!
Idiot Texas County Clerk Lady Issues Declaration About How Good She Hates The Gays: She’s certainly free to hold whatever beliefs she can stuff into her pointy, hate-addled, hyper-Christian skull…but defying a Supreme Court order is WAY above her pay grade. Here’s a radical idea: do your job. Or lose it. Your choice.
Michigan judge throws kids in jail because they won’t eat lunch with their dad: On this week’s episode of “Great Moment in Parents Unclear on the Concept!”….
This Is Just A Really Nice Town Seal Of A White Dude Killing An Indian Dead: The town’s called Whitesboro…can you REALLY claim to be surprised that the town’s seal appears to be a White man murdering a Native American?
