Tragic news coming out of Glenn Beck’s mouth this week (I know, I didn’t realize he was still legally allowed to open his mouth either). Portland, Oregon is his No. 1 city to “avoid like the plague.” We beat out Seattle (No. 3) and San Francisco (No. 2), those hellish dens of sin, because we are, according to a study from the Public Religion Research Institute, the major metro area with the highest number of religiously unaffiliated residents. And, I just want to say, great work to us, guys! We beat even San Francisco, known hotbed of nontraditional marriage and year-round sweater weather (proof of God’s displeasure) by 10 percent! While Beck notes that there are plenty of reasons that Portland is going to “meltdown” — we’re among the most “progressive,” we’re “probably” a sanctuary city — it’s our inability to affiliate ourselves with an organized (Christ-based) religion that makes us the No. 1 place “you do not want to live anywhere around as things get worse and worse.”
I love living in Portland. It’s really the only place that’s ever felt like home, so I can, depending on my mood, be a bit defensive when people run it down. When Glenn Beck does it- calling Portland his #1 city to “avoid like the plague,” I must admit to a much different reaction. Honestly, calling a city that Beck loathes home feels like a badge of honor. As for our high concentration of “religiously unaffiliated residents,” these are my people- atheists, free thinkers, people who live in the reality-based world- and I’m proud to count myself among them.
To Beck and people who think like him, being “religiously unaffiliated” is a bad thing, a sure indicator of moral failing. If the only way you’re able to behave in a morally acceptable manner is to fear the wrath of a malevolent, all-seeing, all-knowing entity who sits in judgment of humanity, you have bigger problems than you know. I prefer to think that my moral code is sufficient to keep me from murder, mayhem, and/or coveting my neighbor’s wife, thank you very much. It’s worked pretty well so far.
Being #1 means we beat out San Francisco, a city the American Taliban considers a modern-day Sodom and Gomorrah (though the likelihood of anyone turning into a block of salt seems remote). That would seem something to be proud of, especially if, like me, you’re a confirmed Good Without God, Freethinking Intellectual who prefers not to traffic in issues that mix religion and morality. If you’re someone who believes in “live and let live,” Portland is definitely NOT the “No. 1 city to ‘avoid like the plague.’” In fact, you’d probably feel right at home here. We go our own way, and, as long as you do no harm, we have no issue with you going yours.
Portlanders tend not to get exercised about the dearth of collective religious conviction. We’re far more concerned with things that actually impact us…like traffic increasing 6% in the past year. THAT’S a problem, y’all; not the high concentration of religiously unaffiliated residents. Sure, there are those (mostly across the Columbia River in Clark County- Clarkistan, by the estimation of some south of the Columbia) who hate Portland…but they see us, as we see them, through the prism of perception. Most of us who live in Portland happen to think that Portlandia was pretty much spot on. When we think of Clarkistan- which we rarely do- it’s to laugh at their narrow-mindedness as they do at our Liberal permissiveness and licentious ways.
As a rule, if Glenn Beck is incontrovertibly morally opposed to something, I’m for it…whatever it may be. Not that anyone should take him seriously, of course. I long ago stopped writing about Beck (one can only handle so much unvarnished intellectual dishonesty and crocodile tears), and I’m making an exception in this case only because he’s decided that my hometown is a hotbed of sin and iniquity. It may well be every bit of that, but it’s because we like it that way. If you want someplace godly and righteous, I’m sure Bryan Fischer will welcome you to Tupelo, MS, with open arms.
Just remember to bring your bug spray…and your Bible.
